The kind folks at Touchwood PR recently sent me an advance screening of a an incredibly moving film called About Her - a film that tells the story of nine young women who have had to deal with a diagnosis of the aggressive type of breast cancer known as HER2+. It's no secret we've all had to deal with breast cancer in some capacity. It's been over seven years since my mother passed away from breast cancer (she fought very hard for close to 15 years!), so watching this film was quite emotional for me. I also learned a lot!
If you live in or around the Toronto area you can catch About Her (along with some other fantastic films) at the Breast Fest film fest, taking place from Nov. 18-20 at Toronto's Royal Ontario Museum. About Her is the film festival's closing feature.
I was lucky enough to be able to ask Karyn Erik, one of the women from About Her, a few questions about her experience. It was a rather long Q&A, so I apologize about the length of this post. The information is so pertinent and moving, I wanted to share it all with you.
The brave women featured in the documentary About Her.
Q&A with Karyn Erik
1. What was the moment when you knew something wasn't right?
In June of 2008, I went to a Rethink Breast Cancer fundraising event - just for a fun girls' night out. We had a great time but I came home with lots of information and decided to check my breasts. I found the lump that night.
When my doctor sent me for an ultrasound, the technician suddenly got very quiet and said she was going to get her colleague. When they were both back in the room, I admitted feeling a little scared. One of them said, "None of us know when it's going to be our turn." I had about four more weeks of tests before the diagnosis, but that's the moment when I knew.
2. Have you changed how you live your life since your original diagnosis?
I've definitely changed the way I live my life - although I find it ebbs and flows as time passes. At first, I had a really hard time with food. It felt like what I ate was the one thing that I had control over, so I read every book I could get my hands on and cut out red meat, all sugars, alcohol and dairy, but with three young kids at home it was too much. Plus, I enjoy those foods. So, now I feel like I'm super conscious of what I eat but it's all in moderation.
Exercise is also now something that MUST fit into my schedule. I also take time once a month to see a Reiki practitioner.
What I'm struggling with the most at this point (three years after diagnosis) is trying to regain the enjoyment in life. I have been living with constant, nagging fear for the past three years that is taking away from the life I'm living right now. I'm working hard at letting go of some of that fear and laughing again - but it's hard.
3. In your experience, is cancer a four letter word?
Absolutely - cancer is my ultimate "four letter word." Before cancer, I was blissfully happy, married to a great guy with three healthy (and busy!) kids. Although I may have complained about the lack of sleep or the messy house, I didn't realize how wonderful it was.
I lost my innocence after I was diagnosed - and I'll never get that back. I have had the opportunity to meet and work with some incredible people since being diagnosed, and someone once asked me if I was 'glad' that I had cancer because of everything it brought into my life. Not a chance. I would give up any of my experiences in the past three years to go back to the naivety I had before.
4. How would you advise people treat or help a friend who has been diagnosed with cancer?
It's hard to advise people on how to treat or help a friend who has been diagnosed with cancer because in my experience, everyone reacts to it differently. Some people never discuss it with anyone; some people will talk to everyone about it; some people don't tell their kids; and in other families, it's open knowledge.
I think you need to take your cues from the person.
In particular, instead of saying: If there's anything I can do, please let us know, pick something and run with it. Say: I'm bringing dinner on Thursday night. I would have said no if you asked me, but I don't know how we would have coped without the dinners people brought us.
Or if you know it's a 'good' week on the chemo schedule, call and say: We're going to the movies on Friday night. I'll pick you up at 7. I couldn't have organized anything while in treatment because I was too tired, too sick - but I loved feeling 'real' by going out with my friends from time to time.
My other big fear was becoming "Karyn-who-has-breast-cancer". I remember noticing a woman who was obviously going through chemo as well. I asked my friend who it was and she said, "Oh, you mean the woman over there with the great butt?!" I loved my friend at that moment because she saw my fear and was able to cut through it with humour and remind me that there was more to me than a bald head.
5. What advice would you give a young women who is going through something similar?
What helped me cope with breast cancer is Rethink Breast Cancer. They're a Toronto-based charity that works with women 40 and under who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. They run family support groups that myself, my husband and our three children attended. We were connected with councellors, a Child Life Specialist, as well as other young women who I continue to be in touch with.
They also run monthly drop-in session where you can connect with other young survivors. If you're not in the Toronto area, they are starting up branches in other major Canadian cities and they also have some online resources. I was really open to connecting with young women, even if it was via email, because it normalized what you were going through. When you have breast cancer at a young age, you really don't feel so normal when all the other moms are talking about trips and renovations and you are talking about your wig.
I guess the other thing I would suggest is to accept help. It's really hard to do since this is the time in our lives when we're supposed to take care of parents, kids, etc. But accepting the love and support that surrounded me at that time actually touched me profoundly. People want to help and if you accept it and allow yourself time to heal, hopefully you can be the one helping later.
6. What's one (or two, or three) of the most important things you've learned through your experience with cancer?
I learned that I'm mortal. That sounds strange, but I think I thought that I could control how long I live - and I can't. This realization, of course, affects how you live your life, who you choose to spend your time with, and your priorities - because life is too short.
I also learned what love and friendship means. Our community put their arms around our family and didn't let go. I spent days following friends around because I was so scared, I couldn't put one step in front of the other. My husband listened to the same spiraling fearful conversation every night and calmed me down every single time. This also affects how I live my life now - sometimes you have to pull someone along with you for a while - and maybe that's more the essence of friendship than being there during the happy times.
I think I'm also trying to learn ways to 'give back'. Women are great at sharing ways to get through breast cancer treatments so that the next woman might have an easier time of it. I won a grant through Rethink Breast Cancer to create a book for kids to help explain the changes in their family while Mommy goes through treatment. I couldn't find a book that said what I wanted to say - maybe other women will have this resource to help them.
Thanks for sharing your story with us, Karyn!
