Tori Stafford and teaching our kids to be safe
Sorry I have been an absent blogger for the past week. I took some time away from work and the computer to enjoy the spring sunshine with my kids.
While I love surfing and writing online, I'm a big believer in brief sabbaticals from it all.
It's still gloriously warm and sunny here in Toronto, but our country is bathed in sadness from the loss of a little girl, Victoria "Tori" Stafford who was abducted and murdered in Woodstock, Ont.
When the tragic news broke yesterday, I know every mother was thinking of Tori's mum ... and the unbearable weight of her grief. I chatted with my neighbour last night — a stoic accountant who told me she broke down in tears in the office.
I also know that every mum, like me, was thinking twice about her own kids' safety.
The reality is that we can't protect our kids from every danger — and at the same time we can't scare them to death, or deny them the freedom and independence that they need to grow and make good decisions for themselves.
A few weeks ago my 10 year-old daughter, Liv, saw me at the computer watching the grainy video of a woman leading Tori away from her school. That same woman is now charged with her abduction. I told Liv what I was watching. I also told her, 'No matter what the person says ('Keep quiet and come with me or I'll hurt you and your family') scream and kick like hell if anyone tries to get you to go somewhere with them.'
In the coming days, I'll have a talk with both my daughters about strangers and safety. I'm not sure what I'll say, but I know my challenge will be striking that fine balance between giving them the information they need to be safe and not instilling fear.
What will you tell your kids?
P.S. The first 10 people who reply will receive a copy of The BlackBerry Diaries - Adventures in Modern Motherhood by Canadian funny lady, Kathy Buckworth.
Tags: kids, moms, safety, Tori Stafford
May 21st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I will tell them even thou they are teenagers they can still be in danger by trusting someone they shouldnt or they really dont know that well.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I will tell mine that just because they are teenagers doesnt mean they do not have to be careful. You have to beware there are "sick" people out there. Its really a shame.
May 21st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I worry all the time about my kids and who/what may harm them. They are pure energy and light, how could anyone ever harm them? There is evil in the world and we have to warn them. Make noise, kick and run! Don't let them take you to a separate location, make your stand and fight!
May 21st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
My kids are 5 and 6 and they both talk to strangers without batting an eye. We do live in a small town which is pretty safe as far as I know, but still I need to sit them down and try to explain to them that not all people are "nice" people. It is really sad that the world is coming to this.
May 21st, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I will tell my daughter, yet again, to scream things like "FIRE!!" or "I don't know this person!!!" and "You are not my Mommy!!!" if anyone tries to take her....and to resort to kicking, biting, scratching...and to show no sympathy....yes, if she can, she is to literally stick her fingers in the person's eyes!!!
May 21st, 2009 at 9:02 pm
My conflict was trying to explain unemotionally to my 8-year-old why this happened. I didn't want him to hear playground gossip so I told him and he is utterly confused about why. I finally put it in super hero terms -- villains, good guys -- and he got it. It's awful.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I was hearbroken when I read the news yesterday. My son has been registed with Childsave since he`s been born. Maybe not necessary to start that early, but it gives me a bit of peace of mind. If parents don`t know about services like Childsave, I hope that they will look into it.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:41 pm
My sister has always had a password with her kids. If someone is to pick them up, they will know the password. But what makes this work is she has tested her kids on it, asking a friend to try to pick the kids up from school. What is scary is the first time they all go, no matter how many times we go over the rules! Once they have been caught at not asking for the password, they never forget again. Kids need a safe way to practice how to say no to an adult so they are prepared. Just telling them what to do or say isn't enough.
May 21st, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Oh, and Kathryn, if I am one of the first 10 to respond, please pick another name for the book prize. I recently won the blender from your blog, so time to let others have a chance. I just wanted to share an idea for the safety of all kids. Thanks!
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:14 am
There are some really great tips posted here! My sons are three and one and we're just starting to go over safety procedures with the preschooler, especially since he will be starting kinder in Sept. I find it a bit hard becuase of his age (and his attention span) and our extended family is so large, so it's really difficult for me to thoroughly and concisely explain who is a "stranger", but we've stuck to hard and steadfast rules of only mom, dad, grandma & grandpa coming to get him from preschool.
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:22 am
This is one of those things that we all need to be sure we get across to our beautiful babies. My son is 11 and I think he gets it, he has been taking self defense as he is small for his age. My daughter however is spirited and at 5, she disregards a lot of what we say. I love the idea of super heros- good & bad- must try that. Gavin De Becker(speling?) wrote 'Protecting the Gift' a must read if you have kids...I will review and work with them on this...we update fingerprints and photos in our ChildSafe books each year as well as try to explain why to the kids. Thank you.
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:26 am
My children & I used to play the "What If" game we played it to allow them to think about various situations and how they might react to them. You can use this game to allow them to increase their imagination in a positive way and you can use this game to help them think things through even when dealing with the issues of life we don't like to think about such as what has happened to Tori. Now I will begin to play this game with my grandchildren. I am so saddened by the necessity to have to make our children & grandchildren aware of these kind of dangers but if we don't we may be placing them at more risk since we failed to teach them how to react or to think about these types of situations. Another thing we had decided on was on the off chance I couldn't pick them up and I needed to send a friend other than a family member to get them there was a certain code word and each child's word was different. I'm very happy to say we never needed to use it but we had in just in case.
My prayers are with Victoria's family especially her mother.
May 25th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
I use the secret password routine with the Kids.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Thanks for these different and helpful tips. I wanted to ask if there are any books on teaching kids safety, the kind that are relatable to kids or make it easy for parents to know how to discuss the subject from time to time, since safety is a continual need to be reminded of, as children change and grow. Thank you.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I've recently purchased walkie talkies to keep in constant touch with my daughter...even when she goes out to play (bike rides, park, play with friend).