Baby 101: Bonding

Attachment is the act of sharing information and learning from each other. It begins at first meeting and deepens and grows over a child's whole life with her parents.

On a basic level, attachment is critical to a child's development. Both mother and father have to feel invested in what happens to their baby. A mother, in particular, has to develop an interest in her baby. If she doesn't, she won't protect him. As for the child, among the first lessons he'll learn is the lesson of trust. If his needs aren't met, if his parents don't try to figure out who he is and what he needs, he won't learn trust. Luckily, for the majority of babies and their parents, a solid attachment emerges over time so that baby and parents feel that wonderful bond that will connect them throughout their lives.

For some parents and their baby, the dance of attachment feels awkward at first, with lots of missed cues and false steps on both sides. Different babies present parents with different challenges and some babies are hard to read. Some mothers expect to feel an instant and overwhelming sense of love toward their baby and, if that doesn't happen right away, they feel inadequate, guilty, confused and fearful. These feelings, combined with sleep deprivation and huge hormonal changes, can make the first postpartum weeks more hell than heaven for the mother. Try not to place too much significance on your confused feelings those first few weeks. Take comfort in the knowledge that you're not the first parent to feel this way and trust that your relationship with your baby will develop with time. You can make the acquaintance of your baby and stimulate a deep mutual connection in many simple ways. Give yourself time to just watch your baby and be amazed by her. Memorize what she looks like, carefully examine all her body parts and let her, in turn, stare at your face and drink you in.

Fathers are very much a part of the attachment process (see "The special role of fathers" for more) that occurs in those early weeks. As you touch and hold your infant, you encourage her to use different muscle groups and parts of her brain that her mother may not reach. Fathers provide a variety of touch and sound, thus helping their babies respond to change. Research indicates that fathers who are highly involved with their newborns have a positive effect on their child's development. In one study fathers regularly talked to, played with, soothed, fed and changed their babies during the first month of life. At age one these children scored significantly higher on developmental tests of motor skills, pattern identification, word recognition and problem solving than children who hadn't had the same paternal attention.

Attachment or bonding - or both?
In their 1983 book, Bonding: The Beginnings of Parent-Infant Attachment, two American pediatricians, Drs. Marshall H. Klaus and John H. Kennell, noted that it was beneficial for a mother to have the opportunity to “bond” with her infant immediately after delivery by holding her baby and having skin-to-skin contact. (To learn more read, Baby massage.) If that early contact happened, the mother's behaviour was more natural and more committed. But the message of that observation got a little twisted. Many people worried that if the contact didn't happen, the relationship between mother and child would be permanently damaged. The bonding expectation caused a lot of grief for adoptive mothers and the many biological mothers who weren't able to hold their babies immediately.

Recognizing the concerns aroused by the original observation, Klaus and Kennell undertook a more focused followup study, which demonstrated that the primary beneficiary of immediate skin-to-skin contact is the mother, not the baby. While it's beneficial for parents to spend time with their baby in the first 24 hours, it isn't damaging to the baby or to their relationship if that doesn't happen. Now experts extend the concept of bonding with the word attachment to describe the process that goes on over the child's whole life. For expectant parents, the result of these studies is the improved experience of birthing in hospitals.

Sibling attachment
New siblings almost always attach, on some level, to one another. Watching the relationship unfold is a wonderful experience for parents because it adds a whole new dynamic to the interactions of the family unit. The connection may take some time, though, and it may not always happen as you anticipated. Everyone comes into this world with a certain personality and a unique way of associating with other personalities.

Remember that siblings relate to one another differently than they relate to their parents. Here are some tips for fostering the sibling connection.

• Don't force it. If it's going to happen, it will. Parental pressure and interference will only add stress.
• Use the baby's name from the start, so his older sibling can understand he's a person, not a thing.
• Urge the older sibling to learn about the baby. The more you learn about someone, the more connected you feel to him.
• Listen to one sibling's complaint about another without judging. It's natural to get frustrated with someone who is always “in your face.” To calm the waters, discuss these natural feelings with your children.
• Recognize that sibling rivalry is a fact
of life and don't overreact to the occasional flare-up.
• Just as important as a sibling's attachment to a new family member is her need to re-attach to her parents. Don't be surprised if your older child reverts to some babyish behaviour in the transition phase. It will pass.

More baby tips:
• Baby massage
• The crying game
• Take good care of my baby
• First-baby bliss

Excerpted and updated from Growing with Your Child, A Canadian Living Family Book (Ballantine, 1998), edited by Family editor Christine Langlois.