My son will be 4 in July; I have a concern with him being shy -- he hides behind me all the time even when at the grandparents' houses (he will eventually warm up, but it seems like it is almost time to leave before that happens). When someone asks him a question, he makes some sort of a whining noise and sometimes he even hits his hand. If he falls and/or hurts himself in any way when it's just the three of us at home, he hides; hits himself on the forehead; scratches his hand/arm; hits his hand when we try to make sure he is OK; it's like he is totally ashamed that he hurt himself or fell in the first place. I want to be able to comfort him when he gets hurt, but he won't let me -- I have to really coax him into letting me check to make sure he has no bumps or bruises that need attention. He will also hide himself in the couch -- as if he thinks that no one can see him. How do we deal with this? We have him in swimming lessons and we watch him from behind glass; when he takes his turn, he'll look up at us to make sure that we watched, but when we give him a smile or thumbs up, he folds his arms, and tries really hard not to smile -- it's as if he's saying 'How dare you watch me!' It's so confusing! What do we do? He was adopted and we brought him home when he was six-and-a-half months old. All I want to be is a great mom and when he is like this, it is so hard. Where have I gone wrong?
Dear Mom,
It sounds like you are doing a terrific job and the fact that you are looking for advice confirms this. There are many reasons for a young child to be shy and the manner in which you would help him depends on the cause. Anxiety, social phobias, introvert personalities, and autism can all result in elements of shyness. I would recommend you speak with your physician about your concerns as a formal assessment is appropriate.
Keep up the good work!
---Dr Cathryn Tobin
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