Banishing your child's bad behaviour

Misbehaviour and acting out

Raising kids means dealing with behaviour problems. If a certain amount of misbehaviour is normal, how much should you react to and how much should you let go? Learn to rely on your intuition. Although books and experts can provide guidelines, you know your child and the situation best.

Consider your child's personality. Some children are naturally more compliant and cooperative; others are more determined to test every rule.

Consider the circumstances. Like adults, kids aren't at their best when they're sick, stressed out, or tired. A move to a new house, a new baby brother or sister, or problems at school could each trigger undesirable behaviour.

If the misbehaviour is minor -- your eight-year-old leaves his school bag in the hall again or your ten-year-old bothers her older sister -- just ignoring it might be the best policy. But when the behaviour is harmful to the child, to the family, or to others, don't overlook it. Parenting experts often suggest two different approaches to dealing with misbehaviour -- behaviour modification and variations on Parent Effectiveness Training.

Behaviour modification
Behaviour modification, as it is now practised, uses discipline and rewards to discourage some behaviours and encourage more desirable ones. Discipline should take the form of withholding a privilege or deducting money from the child's allowance. It should be fair and appropriate for the circumstances. Children have a keen sense of fairness and react very strongly to what they see as an injustice. You can also let your child experience the logical consequences of his behaviour, which shouldn't be thought of as a punishment but as another way to modify behaviour.

Although previous generations of parents may have used spanking as a form of discipline, most experts now agree that physical punishment is not effective because it makes a child fearful and more likely to use physical force himself to get his own way with other children.

Rewards for good behaviour are considered more effective than punishments for misbehaving. These rewards can take many forms. Some parents like to record their children's good behaviour on a chart, perhaps with a point system or gold stars. The accumulation of a certain number of stars or points brings the child a special reward. The system also allows parents to "catch" their children behaving well. When you see your daughter sharing with her little brother or helping him with his homework, encourage her by acknowledging what you've seen: "Joey sure enjoyed it when you spent that time with him." But you don't need to do it every time.

Parent Effectiveness Training
Parent Effectiveness Training, a system developed by American psychologist Thomas Gordon, is widely taught in Canada as well as in the United States. Gordon points out the weaknesses of reward and discipline, saving that both lose their impact over time and, if not accompanied by discussions, don't help the child understand why certain behaviours are undesirable.

Gordon recommends that parents use "I messages" to tell their children how they and those around them feel about the children's behaviour, rather than criticizing the children for their behaviour. For example, if your son sneaks off to the corner store without telling you, you might say, "When you went to the store on your own, I got very worried because I didn't know where you were, and you could have been hurt." Such statements avoid making the child defensive, but let him know exactly why his behaviour was not acceptable. Keep it simple and to the point. Explaining feelings can sometimes help your child get out of his own head and into the experience of others. Behaviour modification and Parent Effectiveness Training have their strengths and limitations. Most parenting experts agree that it's best to use a combination of the two.