Banishing your child's bad behaviour

Behaviour expectations
Part of handling misbehaviour is making sure your children know what you expect. Don't just tell your kids to stop teasing each other. Tell them you expect them to treat each other kindly. Tell your six-year-old that you expect her to wash her hands before she comes to dinner. Tell your ten-year-old that you expect him to say thank you to the store clerk. Be sure your expectations of your child are reasonable for his age. Here are strategies for dealing with the behaviour problems that try the patience of most parents.

Teasing
It may not be dangerous or especially destructive, but teasing probably drives more parents crazy than any other behaviour. Siblings tease one another because they feel their brother or sister is getting more parental attention. They may tease children outside the family because they have fears and doubts about themselves, and they try to make themselves feel bolder. They're trying to make themselves feel taller by putting someone else down.

If siblings do tease one another, give them a chance to work it out, but they may need your guidance to do so. Intervene if one of them is being hurt by vicious name calling or physical fighting. Separate the children, and give your attention to the victim first. Talk to the teaser later to hear his side of the story. Don't always favour the younger child. Yes, your twelve-year-old should he more mature than your six-year-old, but if you regularly let the younger one tease the older one, you will create resentment that may lead to even more friction between them. Try to deal with the situation in an even handed manner.

If your child teases a non-family member, get him to think about how the teasing makes the victim feel. Tell him that it's acceptable not to like someone else, but it's never acceptable to he mean. If the teasing persists or is especially hurtful, find out what the problem is. You might say, "Either you and Bobby play without teasing today or maybe Bobby shouldn't come over at all." If it turns out that your child and Bobby don't really like one another, the problem is solved.

Temper tantrums
Most children outgrow temper tantrums by kindergarten or grade one, but for a few children, tantrums persist well into middle childhood. Some children have shorter fuses than others and take longer to learn to manage their anger. Others are slower to learn to express themselves in words, Which means their anger can explode as a tantrum. If your child is acting out in several ways -- fighting, bullying, or hitting -- you need to consider a different course of action. But if you're just dealing with the occasional temper tantrum, here are some suggestions:

• If you want your child to do something and he resists to the point that a tantrum is obviously building, state your request firmly once more, then leave the room. This way you avoid a confrontation, and your child may calm down and comply with your request after waiting a few minutes.

• If your child does launch into a tantrum, don't respond with anger. Stay calm and ignore his behaviour. You may want to go to another part of the house, giving yourself a time-out. Or you can remove him from the situation by sending him for a time-out. Make it no more than five minutes. Or you may sit quietly with a child who is very young to calm his frustration. Later, when he's calm, urge him to talk about his feelings of anger and help him to think of ways he could have resolved the situation using words instead of howls of rage.