Calming your scared child

A kid's fears and worries
Kids are afraid of many things. Their fears are often very specific. They may be afraid of the dark, of fire alarms, of bugs or dogs, and of any and all strangers, or they may be afraid that you will die. Sometimes a child's fear and anxiety are so intense that she develops a real phobia, perhaps following a frightening experience like being bitten by a dog.

After the age of eight, most children have worries about how they fit in. They worry about being popular, about how they dress or how they look. They worry about succeeding or failing in school subjects or at sports.

Serious fears
All kids have everyday worries, but some kids have more serious fears. They may be afraid that their parents will divorce, or they might worry because of alcohol or drug abuse, or because of emotional or physical abuse in their family. Perhaps their fears originate in situations at school. They may be afraid of a teacher or of another student who bullies them, or they may have encountered a dangerous situation with drugs.

Making your child feel comfortable
Make your home a place where your child feels comfortable talking about her fears and worries, without giving up her privacy or feeling invaded. Home should be the place where your child feels safe to put into words what's bothering her, and she'll need your help to identify her feelings. Your child may also feel embarrassed about having the fear, so it helps if you can find a way to broach the subject that allows her to confide but at the same time to save face. Your role is to guide and support your child, to help her solve problems on her own, when possible, but also to intervene in the situation, when necessary.

To help your child deal with a specific fear or worry, you need to know what's really going on. Don't dismiss or downplay his concerns. This shuts down the lines of communication and discourages your child from sharing his fears with you. When you're familiar with what's going on in your child's life, he is more likely to talk to you. Be ready to listen whenever he decides to talk. He's more likely to open up when you're doing dishes together than to respond when you ask him a direct question at the dinner table. Face-to-face discussions about a fear or worry can seem confrontational and may increase your child's anxiety level. Children can often express what's on their mind better when they are engaged in doing something else.

When your child talks about his worry, it may help to talk about your feelings in a similar situation and how you solved the problem. Your child may be glad to know that you, too, failed a math test but then went to the teacher for extra help and managed to pass the next one. She won't feel so alone, and she'll be glad to hear about a possible solution.