Calming your scared child

The fearful child
The fearful child needs compassion and support from her parents. But you also need to help her learn how to take risks at her own pace. If being fearful is a basic part of her personality, it's important to help her learn to calm herself, so she can become less anxious and more confident. The ten-year-old who is afraid of dogs might try putting her hand down for a friendly dog to sniff after one of you has asked the owner if that's OK. She can decide to give dogs without owners nearby a wide berth.

You don't want to coddle a fearful child, but you do need to find appropriate challenges that he can handle. Help him take small, manageable steps in resolving fears or problems that loom large in his mind. Kids often find it calming to face their fears with older, supportive kids. An eight-year-old who's afraid of spiders might look at one with interest if her older cousin is examining the spider's web with her.

An ongoing process
Draw your child gradually into challenging situations rather than force him to sink or swim. Fearful children need to get comfortable with new situations by putting one toe in the water at a time. Sometimes his progress may appear painfully slow to you. But allow him to take his own time; work with him at the level he's at. He needs to feel competent in order to participate in a new activity.

If your child wants to play soccer but is afraid of the ball hitting him, practise with him by kicking the ball toward him gently until he gets used to a light kick before you kick the ball harder. As he gets more skillful at stopping the ball and more comfortable with the feel of the ball when it hits him, his confidence will grow.

Seeking professional help
If his fears prevent him from functioning day to day, you may want to seek professional counselling. Although the fearful child may go into counselling as "the patient," in most cases the whole family needs to become involved to find a solution. Parents need to look at all the layers of the child's environment: the immediate family, the extended family, neighbourhood, community, and school. The child's fears may be based in realities that the family is not aware of. His experiences in life, either at home or outside the home, may reinforce his natural tendency to be fearful.

Addressing the real issues, especially if they are family issues, will help to solve the problems for the child so that he can become more comfortable, secure, and connected to his world. When you help your child solve problems, he learns how to cope and to deal with his worries and fears. You can help him learn the kind of optimism that makes him calmer, more confident, and resilient.