Developing your child's personality

Understanding a child's self-esteem

A child with self-esteem feels good about herself. She feels loved, valued, and respected for who she is with all her strengths and limitations, her personality and physical traits, her ideas and opinions. A child's self-esteem comes from being accepted, respected and valued just for being the person she is. When parents give their baby unconditional love, they lay a firm foundation for the child's developing sense of her self. The child must feel that she is accepted by her parents whether she conforms to their expectations or not, and must feel sure they neither give nor withdraw their love based on her performance.

Affection and approval that come with conditions imposed do not make a child feel good. Acceptance and approval that come and go confuse her; she never knows what to expect, never feels certain that her parents love her and accept her as she is. Love that's given only with conditions based on the parents' expectations about the child's behaviour can contribute to the child's creation of a false self. The child may try to please her parents, to satisfy their expectations and respond to their needs, which delays the development of her true self and her own voice from her temperament, personality, instincts, capabilities, and needs.

What is self-esteem?

Your child's self-esteem begins with your unconditional love and builds as you encourage him to develop all aspects of his self. His self-esteem becomes a secure foundation for his healthy growth and development in all domains -- social, emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual.

Children with solid self-esteem feel confident about themselves and their ability to learn. They are comfortable taking risks and are eager to master new challenges. Most children develop more confidence in some areas than in others. A six-year-old who has experienced his parents' unconditional love will feel secure. However, as he moves out into the world of school and playmates, he encounters experiences that may shake his self-esteem. At ages seven and eight, your child's self-image begins to be defined by his group, and by the pecking order in school and on the playground. Children do rank themselves against each other. If your child struggles to learn in school, has trouble making friends, or is behind his peers in athletic ability, his self-esteem may be shaken.

Encouraging his self-esteem

By the time a child is nine or ten, individual relationships with friends may have become more complex. Your son's best buddy one day may become his bitter rival the next, which can be very upsetting to him. The transition to puberty triggers surging hormones and turbulent emotions.

A twelve-year-old may find it unsettling if he develops physically at a rate that's faster or slower than that of his peers. Part of doing a good job of parenting is to remain aware of everything that's going on in your child's life. Listen for clues; you can't assume that everything's OK outside just because it's great at home.

You may find it painful when something jolts your child's self-confidence. Take heart that your unconditional love provides a secure foundation for him. A child with poor self-esteem may need more patience and encouragement from his parents in order to help him grow and develop. When your child's self-esteem is low, you can help by giving him time, attention, encouragement and guidance to develop in areas of strength, as well as in areas in which he's less confident. Don't focus only on the problems; focus on all the good things in his life and on his abilities.

Be a mirror for your child to appreciate his own emerging unique self by giving positive feedback on his personal qualities as well as on his accomplishments. Both are important. Saving "I like your silly sense of humour" is often as helpful as saving "That's a great report card." A child's self-esteem reflects who he is, as well as what he achieves. Encourage your child to pursue his goals and dreams. Be clear about your expectations for his behaviour and values, but love and respect him for who he is, what he wants, and what he does.