Developing your child's personality

What is personality?
You've been aware of your child's personality since she was born. Our personality is our own human signature, encompassing all the distinguishing personal and social traits that make each of us unique. No two personalities are exactly alike -- even those of identical twins.

You would probably come up with very different words to describe the personality of each of your children. Although psychologists have devised dozens of systems and tests to analyze, categorize, and measure personality types, there is no universally accepted system. That's because people are simply too complex to be fully and accurately described by one system.

Nature or nurture
Is personality a product of nature or nurture? In recent years researchers have found that both genes and temperamental tendencies influence the development of personality. Children are born with different temperamental traits or predispositions. Some are bold and aggressive and actively seek stimulation. Others are more reactive, inhibited, and highly sensitive to stress, so they tend to avoid too much stimulation. Each child is born with a characteristic mood, activity level, and style of responding to stimuli. Some children are calm and have a relaxed, sunny disposition; others are more difficult to appease, anxious, and sensitive.

These temperamental traits are only part of the story. A child's personality develops from the interplay between inborn traits and life experiences. The child's parents, peers, and social environment affect that development from birth on, but so do the phases of physical growth. For example, the moodiness of your nine-year-old may have more to do with early puberty than with personality, so keep in mind that it is only part of a phase, and refrain from feeling hurt or angry.

Personality is both stable and dynamic. The child has a bedrock core of traits, but her personality is enriched and expanded as she develops and grows. Her personality becomes more multifaceted as she gains more experience and assumes more roles -- sister, daughter, friend, student, musician, athlete, team player, or group leader. Just as an actor can play many different roles well, a child's personality becomes more fully developed as she fulfills different roles through new experiences and relationships. By the time your child is twelve, she has a fuller sense of her own core traits. She develops an inner picture of herself based on her emerging values and attitudes, which help her shape her own goals. And she has a clearer sense of where she fits into her peer group.

A shy child who learns how to make friends may become socially adept, well liked, and comfortable with people, although she is unlikely to seek the limelight. A hellion may grow into a more responsible person with a bold personality. Your role as a parent is to respect and respond to the personality of each of your children and help them flourish through their life experiences.

A parent's role in personality development
Parents do have a major influence on their child's personality. The values that you instill and model will influence the kind of person your child becomes. How do you treat him? And how does he treat you? Through your example and guidance, you can shape your child's tendencies to be kind and sociable, proud and compassionate; similarly, you can discourage any tendency to be mean and selfish, snobbish and cold. It's true that we're influenced by the company we keep, so you can expect that your child's friends will also help shape his personality and reflect his sense of himself.