Developing your child's personality

What's OK and what's not
All feelings are normal, but it's how we react to and express those feelings that makes the difference between what's acceptable and what's unacceptable, what's healthy and what's unhealthy, what's constructive and what's destructive. Your child needs to know which behaviours are acceptable and which behaviours are not.

Physical violence and verbal abuse (whether directed at parents, siblings, friends, or animals) are not acceptable ways of expressing anger. Kicking, hitting or spitting, breaking things, and calling others nasty names are not OK. When deciding how to respond to inappropriate behaviour, make the distinction between your child's getting wound up and his actually fighting with another child. Before an angry situation spins out of control into violence, give your child several alternatives to find out what best helps him calm down when he's angry. Distractions are a good strategy, as are energy-burning activities. But quieter games and creative activities may be helpful with some children.

Discussing harsh feelings
Once the child has calmed down, encourage him to talk about his feelings. What makes him angry and why? Can he take steps to deal with the situation so that he will feel better? Help the child identify and acknowledge the feelings. When he says, "I hate Johnny," help him understand that he may mean he's angry with Johnny for taking his bike, but that's not the same as hate. You can also give the child an example of how you cope with similar situations. Teach a young child to name his feelings. By the time a child is six years old, he should be able to say, "I'm scared" or "I'm mad." If a situation is more serious and your child has lashed out physically or verbally at another person, send him for a time-out (one minute for each year of age) to cool down. You can forewarn children by saying, "If everyone doesn't calm down, we'll have to take a time-out."

Dealing with the older child
An older child of eleven or twelve begins to feel a more generalized anger at the wrongs he perceives in the world. At this age, kids become more idealistic, and their anger may be about the destruction of the environment, about cruelty to animals, or the plight of the homeless. Help your child find her own outlet for this kind of anger. She might get involved with a social or environmental group, or write a letter to the local newspaper that expresses her angry feelings in a constructive or creative way.

Both parents should talk about their own family experiences and share stories about what makes them angry and how they deal with it. Be a mirror for your child so that he can see the effects of his behaviour on others, both positive and negative. Teach him that anger, when constructively channelled, can be a powerful motivator and a source of energy. It can make him more determined to solve a problem, to overcome obstacles, and to accomplish a goal. That way your child learns to control his anger rather than let the anger control him.

Reward him for handling his anger in a constructive way, for talking out his feelings, and for coming up with solutions to the problems that make him angry or unhappy. Sports or any vigorous physical activity can also be a terrific outlet for channelling and releasing feelings of anger and frustration.

The way you discipline children also models how you handle anger. If you go out of control when you're upset by your child's behaviour or actions, that's the adult behaviour they'll remember. But going to the extreme of not expressing what you're feeling is equally misleading. Instead, communicate your feeling in a firm tone to show that you mean business, and follow up with clear consequences for their misbehaviour. Your children will learn from this an effective way to modify how they express anger. Helping your children learn how to vent anger in a healthy way teaches them that all their feelings are important.