Help kids deal with grief and crisis

When there is a crisis
When there's a crisis in the family, children know it, whether you tell them or not. If Mom and Dad are talking in their room with the door shut, if family routines are disrupted, if a parent seems upset or withdrawn, children will notice. Don't let them jump to conclusions. More than one family has been confronted with a child asking, "Are you and Daddy getting a divorce?" when the real problem has been less traumatic. For example, Dad has lost his job, and Mom and Dad have been talking in private about money. Whatever the crisis, find a good time to tell your children what's going on in a way appropriate to their age.

When your family faces the long illness or death of a family member, or one parent's loss of a job, or divorce and remarriage, it can mean a big adjustment for everyone. Families who have established good patterns of communication seem to handle crises better than others. If children know they can talk to their parents about their emotions -- including anger, fear, and grief -- and be greeted with understanding rather than disapproval, they will have a first outlet for their distress.

One of the most important parenting skills is that of responsive listener -- a parent who listens to the anxiety behind the children's questions and comments. A parent who listens closely to what his child shows as well as what he says can help the child explore his emotions by asking gentle questions. An open-ended question like "How do you feel about Daddy leaving?" is too difficult for a troubled child to answer. But if you say, "Were you sad or angry when you woke up this morning and thought about Daddy?" he is more likely to name his emotions. In difficult situations it can also be helpful to ask, "What was the worst thing about today?" or "What was the best thing?" Even the child who doesn't like to answer these questions can benefit from being asked, if you respect his wish not to be pushed.

Don't let your child be forgotten as you become engrossed in the details of a separation or coping with bereavement. Your detachment may pose a risk, especially for the child who reacts by withdrawing and appears not to be troubled because he's quiet. If you don't feel equipped to handle your child's trauma alone, ask someone else who cares for your child -- a spouse, relation, or friend -- to step in for you. Let the house go, and accept offers of casseroles and other support from the neighbours so that you can free your time to spend with your children.