Help kids deal with grief and crisis

Extent of the changes
These patterns of behaviour come and go in well-adjusted children and are a problem only if they persist. In eight- to ten-year-olds, for example, behavioural problems may increase the child's stress. If negativity and aggressive behaviour persist in this age group, it may affect the child's ability to make or keep friends, an important skill for this stage of development. A child who is unsuccessful at making friends will become isolated and may become more troubled as a result.

A child's inability to concentrate may also mushroom into full-fledged academic problems. At age eleven or twelve, children begin to realize that others may not put the same value on school as their parents do. A child who's unable to concentrate because of a family crisis may become lost in the more complex subjects and be unable to keep up with the progress of her class. She may be more inclined to share her problems with a close friend than with you, and you might encourage her to do so.

As peer relationships become more important, she may stake out a new identity for herself as the class clown. Another child might become a risk taker, not just trying new stunts on his skateboard but taking chances that could end his life. Some children become depressed and withdrawn, even suicidal. It can be difficult to distinguish the child who is seriously depressed from the moody preteen, but any abrupt changes in your child's choice of friends, her academic achievement, or her interests in life should set off alarm bells.

Some children express grief and loss in the same way that adults might. They have a brief troubled period, then begin to deal with their problems more effectively, and eventually get on with life. Other children are unlikely to concentrate on their grief or anger as adults do. They may run off and play and seem to forget the crisis for a time. Children who have experienced more than one shock within a short period of time are at greater risk. So if parents have divorced and the child has had to move, then Grandma dies, you are more likely to see extreme distress.

Helping your child adjust
Generally, if the child's behaviour is disruptive to the family or if he seems troubled for a long time, you may want to seek professional help. Many school boards have child psychologists on staff or on call, or you might ask for a referral through your family doctor or your religious leader. Publicly funded mental health centres in all provinces offer both family therapy and psychotherapy for children. If there's a waiting list, there are many family therapists and psychologists in private practice. Check your health plan to see if it covers part of the treatment for your child or family.

Bibliotherapy sometimes offers a successful alternative to professional treatment. Joseph Gold, in his book Read for Your Life: Literature as a Life Support System (Fitzhenry & Whiteside, 1990), says that "Language is the human link between thought and feeling; story is the most memorable organization of language." Reading children's books whose stories focus on fictional children struggling with problems provides opportunities for you to talk together about their feelings and yours. But be sensitive to the situation and to your child's feelings; it would be too difficult for you both to read a story about death in the midst of your own grief. Many other resources in print and media highlight strategies for easing your family through particular crises.