Overprotected kids: How to let kids take risks

Letting go
So why are most of us so reluctant to let go and let our kids take risks? "Today there's a strong emphasis on parents to be in charge of everything in a child's life," says Dr. Wayne Hammond, a Calgary-based clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of the nonprofit organization Resiliency Canada. Marshall adds that overburdened parents trying to do it all "overestimate the likelihood of something bad happening, so something that's a remote possibility becomes an almost-certainty. [We envision] a child molester behind every tree." Put like that, our vigilance does seem over the top. But the real dilemma, says Ungar, is that our fear and hesitancy has left our kids with no adventure. "At some point, we have to let them manage risk themselves," he adds.

Empowering your kids
My girlfriend Jean treads the fine line between sweaty-palmed fear for her three-year-old and determination to rear a self-reliant young man. She's got her hands full: Griffin is a teddy-bear of a boy, but he has the soul of a buccaneer. Worried he'd get lost on one of his "adventures," she did something last winter that may shock some parents. One afternoon, she pulled up near her house in Ottawa, pointed out landmarks, dropped Griffin off and instructed him to walk past three backyards to theirs while she parked out front. "I wanted to see if he knew where our house was, so if he wandered, he could find it. It was terrifying for me, but I was empowering him."

On that afternoon, Jean took a vital step in raising a resilient child, says Ungar, who adds, kids are ready to take on risk from the moment they squirm off your knee. "It's the parent who pulls them back who runs into problems. The trick is in increasing the intensity when they need it."

How much risk?
Deciding when and how much risk your children can take can be tricky business, indeed. The key is to start small and early. For preschoolers and younger children, set "safe" within-eyesight boundaries; street-proof your child about strangers and road safety; send your five-year-old on his trike to the corner (while you watch from a distance); or find a safe tree for your daughter to climb. "Of course, you should minimize real danger," says Ungar. "I'm for wearing a helmet while tobogganing, but I'd be at the bottom of the hill, making the biggest jump possible. The best rule is to ask yourself what you did as a kid, and be guided by that."

It also helps to tune in to your child's personality and let that guide the risks you expose him to, says Hammond. "I may have climbed trees, but my child may not enjoy that. If we listen, we'll know how to respond to the challenges that children need. Look for opportunities to nurture our children's passions; it will be through those things that your children will find their dance."

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