Overprotected kids: How to let kids take risks

On the frontline, that means judging what your child is capable of and letting him do it, even if other parents look askance at the risks you let him take, says Andrea Tkatchuk, a 34-year-old mother of four. While no one is openly critical that she lets her seven-year-old son, Harrison, walk a short way to his suburban Saskatoon school, she knows some parents disapprove. "Sure, in the back of my mind, I wonder what could happen, but Harrison has to know that once he leaves the house, he has to follow certain rules to stay safe."

Still uncertain your nine- or 10-year-old should go anywhere alone?
Depending on where you live, you can offer substitutes like going downtown on the bus with you at first, then with a friend. Let your child start a leaf-raking business or go mountain biking with a friend through a rugged wooden area, says Ungar.

Alternatively, walk to school with him for a few weeks, gradually letting him go farther by himself until he's on his own. Better yet, contact nearby families and organize a "walking train" – a group of local kids who gather other walkers on their way to school. "We're talking about teaching kids to be independent and responsible," says Marshall. "You have only 18 years to get them to that point."

A less-active child's desire for independence can be met in emotional ways. Ungar suggests letting a child pick a colour and paint his own room, letting your daughter choose her own disastrous haircut, or giving her responsibility such as a paper route or packing for certain aspects of a family trip. Perhaps spend time showing an eight-year-old how to use a dull penknife safely – then give him his own. Teens can take risks too, by being given responsibility for younger siblings, planning some of the family groceries or starting a small business.

Even the best-raised kids sometimes take risks with tattoos, piercings and wild hair. Don't panic if this happens in your home, says Hammond; it's normal for teens to experiment with independence and taking responsibility for themselves. Rather, remain curious about their motives and discuss consequences. Contrary to popular myth, research indicates that, of the 10 per cent of teens who rebel, if those kids have healthy, open relationships with parents who listen and adults who can mentor them, they'll turn out fine.

That's probably what my concerned father was hoping when, at 18, I came home with a flame-red punk Mohawk, combat boots and a matching attitude. Dad took one look – and a deep breath. "I can't say I like it," he said quietly, "but I really admire the rebel in you. I wish I could have been one when I was younger."

In that moment I knew, as I had as a child, not only that Dad understood why I took risks, but also that he would always support me. That trust was a gift. And without it, says Marshall, "we may not end up with a generation of young adults who are totally capable of handling themselves or the real world."

4 things kids need to hear
Children covet facing positive risks and taking on responsibility because they'll hear four affirming messages from adults and peers,  Michael Ungar says in his book Too Safe for Their Own Good.
1.YOU BELONG. Risk and responsibility give a child a sense she fits in somewhere.
2.YOU'RE TRUSTWORTHY. When others trust a child, the child will trust himself.
3.YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE. Children relish the opportunity to be seen as soon-to-be grown-ups.
4.YOU'RE CAPABLE. If adults identify special abilities in children, they'll feel capable of making good decisions for themselves.

Read more:
• Keep your kids safe on the Internet
• How to raise your kids to be independent
• What makes a good parent? 8 opinions on good parenting
• 5 ways to teach your kids responsibility

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