Case study: How to say no
Shaleen's preschooler, who is tired, whining and has missed his nap, spies a toy he wants. Shaleen sees the situation coming and knows she is about to say no to an overtired boy at the end of a long day. People are watching. Shaleen thinks to herself, "Think long, and be clear, firm and consistent."
Jarod: I want dolly!
Shaleen: You can't have dolly...we have a dolly at home.
Jarod: I want dolly!
Shaleen: Mommy said no.
Jarod (kicking and in full tantrum mode): I want dolly! DOLLY!
Shaleen: No.
Shaleen pays for her purchase, gets Jarod out of the store, and he falls asleep the instant she buckles him into the carseat.
Good for Shaleen. There's no dolly and that's it. Just tears and noise.
Like many of us, Shaleen optimistically begins with the phrase "we have a dolly at home," which implies no. Although there is an adult logic to this, it rarely works. To children, especially tired ones aiming for yes, this sounds like a phrase open to negotiation. She may avoid using no at the first request for dolly because she is hoping to avoid the tantrum, rather than having to use more energy to teach, mentor and guide her son through this. Simple is good. Saying no at the start is simple. Teaching children to be good at dealing with no is important, and her little one is in the early stages of learning.
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 | Excerpted from Parenting: The Long Journey by Joe Rich, MSW. Copyright 2007 by Joe Rich. Excerpted with permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd. This title is available at all bookstores and online booksellers. |
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