A new baby on the block: Defusing a toddler's jealousy

Jealousy is a normal response to the arrival of a new baby, and a structured schedule may be the key to a happy household.

Tips from Dr. Cathryn Tobin, pediatrician and mother of four.

Tip 1. Parents should think of discipline as guidance, not punishment. If you decided to take up golf and the golf instructor yelled, threatened or lectured you with every bad stroke and never taught you what a good stroke looks like, chances are you'd feel discouraged and simply give up the sport. Well, kids are the same way. Children need to know what good behaviour looks like; so the next time your child's behaviour causes you grief, before you say a word, pause and ask yourself, "How can I use this situation to teach my child something positive?" Misbehaviour is a great deal less frustrating when you look at it as a learning opportunity.

Tip 2. Children need to hear the word no in order to accept it. Although it is often easier to cave in, it is not in your child's best interest to do so. When your little guy or gal won't take no for an answer, use a firm but neutral voice, and say something like, "I know you're disappointed, but no means no." Then, don't rub it in, and don't feel you need to justify yourself; just move on.

Tip 3. Kids communicate through their behaviour. The little gal isn't going to say, "Hey Mom, I'm really tired. I think I'll go to bed." Instead, she'll pitch a fit, act hyper or whine. A youngster's behaviour tells us what her words can't yet express. Parents often react to a child's misbehaviour and overlook the underlying cause. But when you hang back and think about what's going on, you are bound to find changes you can make that minimize misbehaviour without you having to say a word to the child. For instance, tantrums can often be avoided by putting a sleepy child to bed earlier.

Tip 4. Sibling rivalry isn't the only emotion a new baby inspires. An older child may feel overwhelmed, confused and frustrated when the world as she knows it suddenly changes. Her behaviour may deteriorate, not from jealousy, but from desperation. With the new baby comes a change in routines, habits and expectations. Creating rituals and maintaining structure helps make life more predictable, which is crucial when everything seems to be spinning out of control. Structure doesn't limit a child; it liberates her.

Tip 5. Remember to let your child know that you've noticed and appreciate her cooperation. Give specific feedback, such as, "Brooklynn, thank you for putting the money back when Mommy says no. You're a good listener."

Tip 6. In my experience, a few choice words spoken in a no-kidding-around tone of voice are far more effective than yelling, time-outs or threats. Loving parents invest enormous amount of energy trying to convince children to behave. However, less talk and more short-and-sweet comments are needed.

Dr. Cathryn Tobin is a pediatrician, trained midwife, mother of four and author of The Parent's Problem Solver (Three Rivers, 2002). She is currently working on her second book about her highly successful methods for preventing infant sleep problems. Go to www.askdrcathryn.com.