Are you sure you treat your daughters and sons the same way?

An exercise I've introduced in workshops asks parents to discuss and list ways in which we can encourage our teens to combine the positive aspects of both traditional gender stereotypes. I like to emphasize the small, subtle ways in which gender biases can be reinforced. I doubt many parents spend much time discussing gender stereotypes with their daughters and sons; these can nonetheless be communicated by facets of everyday life that, while sometimes seeming trivial in isolation, have a cumulative effect on how young people think and act. A last point I make is that, even when parents truly want their children to be free of gender biases, their own past experiences and enduring habits may unintentionally lead them to reinforce the stereotypes.

Over the years I've compiled a checklist based on the parents' responses. As a parent, I've found the list a useful way to remind myself of the need to pay close attention to how we relate to our own children.

1. Is the distribution of chores and responsibilities free of bias? If boys can operate a lawnmower there's no reason why they couldn't learn to be in charge of a washer and dryer, and vice versa for girls. Cooking, dishes, putting out the garbage, taking care of younger siblings, and cleaning are other examples of activities that should provide equal opportunity for resistance and complaint.

2. When there are two parents in the home, are chores and responsibilities also free of bias? This doesn't mean all tasks should be divided equally between parents. I've never had any desire to appeal Kathy's ruling that I'm not permitted in the laundry room, but she knows better than to mess with my kitchen.

3. If you could see a videotape of your family in the community, would there be any signs that leadership is assigned to the father? Who drives the car and pumps the gas; who places the order or pays the bill in a restaurant?

4. Are boys encouraged to participate in activities that foster cooperation and nonaggressive competition? I'm not hinting at a ban on the forms of competitive sport that require physical force, such as hockey and football; what I'd advocate, however, is that we also steer them in the direction of equally challenging activities that don't require this type of aggression -- for example, swimming, baseball, cycling, and track and field.

5. Are girls encouraged to participate in competitive team activities? Girls are more likely to be directed toward forms of individual competition like figure skating and gymnastics. Team sports such as hockey or soccer can provide opportunities to learn how to combine cooperation and competitiveness.

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Excerpted from Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their Young: Surviving a New Generation of Teenagers by Dr. Peter Marshall, with a foreward by Barbara Coloroso. Copyright 2007 by Dr. Peter Marshall. Excerpted with permission by Whitecap Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced except with permission in writing from the publishers.