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Q: My son Jason is going to camp for the first time and there's been a flurry of activity in the house to get him ready. His younger brother Yale is six years old and seems very jealous of all the time spent on his brother and of all the things we're buying him -- especially the fishing rod. He's throwing his brother's things around and making life quite miserable for us. I've tried to talk with him but it makes no difference. I'm tempted to buy Yale some new things so that he doesn't feel so left out and jealous. Is that the right thing to do?

A: This is definitely a temptation you don't want to give in to! If you do, what message does it send Yale?

A few possibilities that come to my mind are:

1. All you have to do around here is make a big fuss and you get what you want.
2. When my brother gets something, I deserve something too.
3. I can't handle it when my brother gets attention.
4. I need my parents to buy me things so that I can feel better.

This all smacks of entitlement ("There has to be something in it for me too, or I can't handle it"), doesn't it?

Healthier messages

1. Making a fuss doesn't solve anything around here.
2. Jason is getting these things because of the "needs of the situation" -- he's going to camp and I'm not. When I go to camp they'll be doing this for me, too.
3. Even though it's hard, I can handle seeing them fuss. It doesn't mean they love or care about him more!
4. When I understand the "needs of the situation," I feel better.

Understand the purpose behind the behaviour

You're likely right, Yale is feeling jealous. But jealous of what? All the purchases, or all the attention Jason's getting? My guess is it's neither of these.

Yale is likely jealous of what he perceives all this attention to mean. Let me explain. When it comes to parents, very young kids believe this simple equation: Time = love. So when Jason is getting more than his share of time or attention, then that might mean that mom and dad love him more!

How might a young child feel if he really believes this? That's right -- sad or hurt. And what might he do about it? There are three common behaviours that crop up when kids are feeling hurt -- and Yale is exhibiting the first one:

• Get even -- he's going to create havoc by throwing Jason's camp things around and be as difficult as possible: "Then they'll feel sorry for what they've done!" (Remember thinking this very thing when you were little and running away from home?)

• Go into retreat -- feel sorry for himself and withdraw from everyone (with the attitude "No one cares about or understands me.") This is what a more passive child might do.

• Win the parents over -- "I'll please them and be so good that I'll win their love back." (I used to wistfully long for at least one of my children to respond like this -- alas!)