Discipline mistakes by parents

The road to successful parenting is paved with good intentions, but sooner or later every parent faces the inevitable power struggle with their child. Defining limits and learning how to enforce them can be like walking through a minefield.

Ann Douglas, author of The Mother of All Parenting Books, joined Balance Television host Dr. Marla Shapiro to talk about how to avoid making some common discipline mistakes.

Douglas' list of top discipline mistakes:
• Being too apologetic
• Being indecisive
• The "one-size-fits-all" style
• Punishing too soon
• Not following through

Douglas says disciplining is one area most parents struggle with. Figuring out when to be lenient and when to put your foot down isn't easy.

"You don't want to be the super-mean parent," she said. "But on the other hand, you don't want to have a really unruly, out-of-control child."

When you do decide to punish your child, Douglas said you can't start by saying sorry. Don't apologize for grounding or taking away privileges if your child has done something wrong. "We have to feel okay about disciplining our children," she said.

That also means standing firm with your decision. Being indecisive is another discipline mis-step, Douglas said. Parents sometimes feel as though the chosen punishment was too tough, and they'll take away the consequence, or lessen it. Then maybe they'll change their minds again, and reinstate it. If you fall into this indecisive pattern Douglas said, you're teaching your children that there are no consequences when they misbehave. Deciding on a punishment and sticking to it lets your child know you're serious about discipline.

Using the same rules and discipline moves from one child to the next is what Douglas called the "one-size-fits-all" parenting style. Often, Douglas said, parents come up with one set of rules for parenting. Douglas used her own family as an example, saying that when disciplining, you have to look at each situation. When her 16-year-old daughter misbehaves, Douglas might take away her telephone privileges. But applying that same punishment to her six-year-old son, she said, wouldn't have quite the same effect. Parents need to treat each child, and each situation, differently.

Along the same lines, try to make the punishment fit the crime. "Wherever possible, we want to tie in the consequence," said Douglas. For example, if your child was riding his or her bike without a helmet, take away his or her bike-riding privileges. Look at the situation, says Douglas, to avoid a "disconnect" between the discipline and what the discipline is hoping to remedy.

Finally, Douglas said, make sure your child understands why he or she is being punished, but don't over-explain yourself. Some parents can fall into the "Why?" trap, Douglas said. Parents need to communicate with their children, but if you've explained it 50 times, you don't need to go for the 51st.