How to handle a toddler

A Toddler's Fears and Stress

"Mommy, I'm scared." Many fears are normal at this age, and one fear once overcome is soon replaced by another. Separation anxiety is the most common fear of toddlers, and almost all experience it. Also common at this age are fear of the dark and fear of falling asleep. Some toddlers are terrified of dogs; others won't go near a toilet because they think they might fall in and disappear; still others are frightened of sudden loud noises and run toward you if someone switches on the vacuum cleaner.

You may also find, to your surprise, that your toddler is afraid of costumed characters like Santa Claus and clowns. If you've planned an outing that includes one of these characters and your toddler dissolves in tears of fright, it can be upsetting for both of you. Don't push her to go closer or try to reason with her. Just reassure her and remove her far enough away that she feels secure. She might be willing to peek from a safe distance at the object of her terror.

Why do these fears appear at this age? A toddler is still adjusting to the larger world outside of home, and most of what he experiences is new. Like most people, toddlers are frightened by the new and different - new people or different places or unusual experiences. Also a toddler is moving from feeling secure at the centre of her world to a dawning realization of how small and powerless she is in the larger world. From that perspective, many new people or experiences can seem gigantic and overwhelming. A toddler is also developing a rich imagination and her memory is improving. So she will remember that a dog once scared her by barking fiercely, and her imagination allows her to embellish the memory and see other more frightening possibilities.

There are several ways you can help a toddler gain control of his fears. Gradual desensitization may work for some; for example, if the child is afraid of the noise of a particular appliance, give him opportunities to touch it when it's turned off. Then he might be willing to watch from his mom's arms while dad turns it on. Finally, he might agree to sit in the same room while you run the machine. Ask him what you can do to help, but above all, don't belittle him or push him to do something he's afraid of. He will build confidence as he overcomes his fears.

You might also create stories to help your daughter deal with her fears. If she is frightened of monsters, you can weave a story about the magical power of her teddy to watch out for monsters as she sleeps and turn them into snowflakes. When you do this, you aren't lying to your child or confusing her with fantasy, but rather you're entering her own world of imagination.

While toddlers have their own fears, they also pick up on their parents' fears, so your behaviour as a role model is important. If you're squeamish about the sight of a drop of blood or panicked by a spider, try to keep your reactions to yourself.

Television is a potential source of fears. Most parents shield their toddlers from television programs that are frightening - including some cartoons and programming for children. But sometimes, a character or an image in a commercial or a cartoon that an older child or an adult would find amusing will frighten a toddler, who still lives in a world where the line between fantasy and reality is fuzzy.

Signs of Stress
Sometimes a child's fears go beyond what you expect for his stage of development; try to ascertain whether they are signs of real stress. For instance, if your toddler is suddenly afraid to go outside and cries if either parent leaves the house, he may be showing stress. Toddlers cannot verbalize their stress, so look closely for the following:

•stomach aches or rashes that have no other apparent cause
less interest in food
•changes in behaviour during toilet learning
•more temper tantrums than usual
•an increase in nightmares or night terrors or sleep interruptions

If you feel that your child is exhibiting one or more of these signs of stress, try to figure out what may have changed in his day-to-day routine that might cause him to react. It may be something obvious, like a recent move or a change of caregiver, or it may not be one particular event but an accumulation of changes. Maybe there's another two-year-old now at his baby sitter's and, at the same time, his dad was away last week on a business trip. Or it may be that he's starting to use the toilet but he's resisting the change.

Once you've identified the cause, you can either eliminate it or give him lots of reassurance and time to adjust to whatever changes are happening in your lives. If life has become too busy, he may need more quiet time with mom or dad every day; or you may need to eliminate some activities from a hectic routine; or you may postpone helping him learn to use the toilet for a month. If he's reacting to a change of caregiver, you should spend time with him and his caregiver together, perhaps a few minutes every morning, both to monitor their relationship and to let your child know that you understand that this is new for him and he needs time to adjust. Most childhood fears disappear on their own in a few months. But if the fear lasts longer than six months, if the child's sleep is continually interrupted, if he loses weight or if his play is affected, then it's wise to consult your doctor.