How to handle a toddler

Accepting a New Sibling

The birth of a new sibling can be very threatening to a toddler. The event, which is so joyful for his parents, may be frightening to a child if he's the firstborn and hasn't had to share his parents' love before. Children are very possessive of parental love and attention.

Children also have a natural drive for power which shows itself in that competition for the love and attention of parents that we know as sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry is perfectly normal, and sibling jealousy is both inevitable and an important and valuable part of the growth of a child. These competitive battles are the way in which the child gropes toward becoming an individual.

It has been accepted knowledge that, the closer in age the two children are, the stronger will be the older child's feelings of jealousy and rivalry. However, Nina Howe, a developmental psychologist and professor of education at Concordia University in Montreal, thinks that children who have had their parents all to themselves for a longer time may feel the most resentment. Whichever it is, and it will be different for each child, the resentment is greatest when the age gap between the children is one-and-a-half to three years and the sibling is the same sex. If the older sibling is six years or more older, then he becomes a mentor and teacher to the new one whether he wants to or not.

Telling your toddler
Some experts say to tell the older child in a matter-of-fact way as soon as the pregnancy begins to show. She won't fully understand, but she'll have lots of time to get used to the idea, and the fact that a baby is coming will become part of her reality. Others advise telling the child later so that she doesn't have too much time to worry about the impending arrival.

Either way, let her know close to the birth that you will be away in the hospital for a day or two and that grandma will be coming to stay or whatever your planned arrangements are. Prepare for her sibling's arrival by:

•helping her make a gift for the baby. It could be a picture for the nursery or a welcome card.
•taking her to a prenatal visit to the doctor.
•giving her opportunities to spend time with an infant so that she can learn how one behaves.

Don't raise her expectations of soon having a playmate, because a new baby will mostly steep, eat, and cry for the first few months.

If you plan to move your toddler into a new room or into her own bed from her crib, do it several weeks before the new baby arrives to separate the event in her mind from the baby's arrival. She's moving into a big bed because she's a big girl, not because the new baby needs her crib. If your toddler is still comfortable in her crib and it's possible to leave her in it, then do so. She may be happier with the new baby if she is in familiar surroundings when her new sibling arrives.

When baby arrives
With the baby's arrival, you walk a fine line to get the balance of attention just right. You don't want to make such a fuss over your new child's arrival that your toddler feels left out; at the same time you don't want to play down the arrival so much that your older child is given a false impression of the importance of the birth. The new child in your arms also has needs that you want to meet, including the need to be be welcomed into his new family. Trust that you will strike the right balance. Just as the adjustment to the firstborn had moments that were both smooth and awkward, so will the process of adjusting to the newborn sibling.

Here are ways to help your toddler understand his new role as the elder sibling in the family circle.

•Have a stash of presents for big sister. When gifts arrive for the new baby, pull out a big-sister present for your toddler.
•When talking about the new baby to a visitor or on the phone, let your toddler hear you describe how she's helping you care for her new sibling.
•Now is the time for dad and toddler to create their own comforting routines. When mom is nursing the new baby in the morning, dad and toddler might have breakfast together that includes your toddler's favourite toast fingers.

Dealing with typical behaviours of the older child
Expect some changes in your toddler's behaviour when the new baby arrives. Some toddlers regress to an earlier stage. If he's been using the toilet, he may start having accidents again. He may have bad dreams or begin to cling to one of his parents. He may want to be carried like a baby, to nurse at your breast, or to drink from a bottle. This can be a tough time for a parent - you're so busy with the new baby that the regressive behaviour of your toddler can cause a lot of extra work.

Your toddler might act out and try to hurt the new baby. Remember that this hostility is really directed at you for bringing home a "replacement" child. But since your child can't attack you, her source of security, she takes out her feelings on her new sibling. You might buy a baby doll with which the older child can safely act out feelings of anger. Don't try to reason or explain, just give your toddler firm limits on her behaviour and supervise her when she's with the baby.