"Hon, you know we have to be dressed before breakfast. Please go back upstairs and get your school clothes on."
Jacob ignores his mom and plays with the cat.
"Jacob, up you go. We are going to be late."
Jacob drags the kitchen stool across the floor to the counter -- SCREECH!
"Jacob will you stop that! You're marking the floor!"
Jacob glares at his mom as he continues to drag the stool. Mom snaps and in the next breath both are engaged in a tug-of-war over the stool and yelling at each other. Sound familiar?
Conflicts are a part of life and especially common among family members. While they may be frustrating (OK, sometimes they are outright infuriating) they actually aren't all bad -- honest. Conflict is an important part of our kids' (and often our own) development. The key is to deal with it in a respectful and caring manner before it escalates in a power struggle. Here's how.
1. Learn to share
When we use power over kids to manage and direct them or call the shots, we put ourselves in a position of superiority. Your child is then faced with the uncomfortable choice of submitting to your will or resisting his will. It's a no-win situation.
In the case of Jacob, if he submits, he will feel powerless and defeated. On the other hand, he has learned that defiance makes him feel powerful. If these are the only two choices in his mind, it's no wonder why defiance wins out every time. Yet, when you give into the demands of your child and let him call the shots you are giving him all the power.
What's a parent to do? Share power with your kids so that the relationship is based on cooperation. (The exception, of course, is when the child is in a dangerous situation -- then by all means, take charge!) This is easily accomplished by giving your child a role in decision making -- a voice and a say in areas that affect him.
2. Stop managing and directing
When you manage and direct your kids it shows a lack of confidence in them and can make them feel inadequate. This attitude is hurtful. And when our kids are hurt by us, they hurt back. (We all have this powerful primal reflex.) In Jacob's case, he hurt Mom by resisting her directions and then by getting even with a fight. A better approach for Mom is to focus on who she has control over: herself. Tell Jacob what she will do (not what he will do), such as, "I will serve you breakfast as soon as you are ready," or ask a question, such as "How quickly can you be ready for breakfast, Jacob?" With this approach, you are teaching your child to be responsible and use his own judgment.
Page 1 of 3 — on page 2, learn to teach responsibility and show you care.
