Parenting secrets: Teach your kids to get along

Sibling harmony
Not long ago, a mother whose children are under my care candidly said to me: “I'm worried sick. It's bad enough that my older daughter is smoking, staying out late, giving me attitude and wearing too much makeup, but now her younger sister is following in her footsteps.” Carolyn has good reason to be concerned, according to researchers from the University of Queensland (Australia) and the University of Washington, whose recent studies prove that if an older sibling smokes or drinks, a younger sibling is three to five times more likely to pick up these bad habits.

Sibling harmony is important for other reasons, too. Whether sibs grow up to become best friends or worst enemies depends on childhood experiences. Early jealousies, grudges and resentments can fester and reduce us to kids whether we're five or 55 years old.

So, given the potential impact of sibling relationships, how can you encourage your kids to love each other, become supportive and sensitive friends and collaborative partners and, ultimately, exert a positive influence on each other's budding personalities? Let's begin by examining some of the factors that shape, both positively and negatively, sibling relationships.

More time, more friction
It was still dark outside when Maddy, 7, and Trevor, 9, got up to play. For the next 14 hours they would race from one activity to another -- a hockey game, swimming lessons, a visit to Grandma's, haircuts and grocery shopping. By breakfast the kids were squabbling. By lunch they were throwing punches, and by bedtime they were no longer talking.

Sometimes we tend to forget just how much time siblings spend together. Indeed, siblings often have more time together than with any other person, including teachers, parents, friends -- even by themselves. And with all that togetherness comes friction.

Favouritism
Never mind the time mom and dad spent chauffeuring their talented 11-year-old daughter to tennis lessons and tournaments, the financial expense was equally impressive. But the real price they paid was the unspoken resentment the older siblings felt toward their little sister.

Katherine Conger, a professor of human development at the University of California, studied family favouritism and found that 65 per cent of mothers and 70 per cent of fathers had a preference for one child. Mark Feinberg, a psychologist at Pennsylvania State University, notes that families have limited resources to go around and as a result the most talented child often gets more attention.

Favouritism causes bad feelings that burn deep. Often, parents don't even realize they are showing favouritism because they don't feel it. They love all their kids to death, but at the same time they brag about Paulo's accomplishments because he wins so many awards, or they buy Carter more expensive skis because he's so dedicated to the sport.

Yet according to Judy Dunn, an internationally renowned psychologist, starting from a very young age, our kids notice how they are treated in comparison to their siblings. One of the best gauges of whether you're inadvertently showing favouritism is to think about how your kids get along. The more the kids squabble, tease and torment one another, the greater the likelihood that favouritism is a problem.

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