Parenting secrets: Teach your kids to get along

Pecking order
Seven-year-old James was sitting quietly reading his book while his new baby sister was being examined in my office. However, Molly, the middle child, wouldn't stop crying. The mother said, “James, take your sister out to the waiting room.” James grabbed Molly by the arm and slammed the door behind him.

There are different theories on the importance of birth order. Researchers have suggested that a child's position in the family affects personality development in the following ways.

• The oldest child often takes on the role of the responsible one.
• The youngest child tends to be spoiled, overindulged and may be encouraged “not to grow up too fast.”
• The middle child often sets the competitive edge between siblings because he walks an emotional tightrope lacking the rights of the eldest and the indulgences of the youngest.

That said, Dalton Conley, an author and a professor of sociology at New York University, revealed that family size, Mom and Dad's attention and time, and financial resources play a bigger part in determining a child's success than birth order. In The Pecking Order, Conley examines individual success in life and draws on results from the United States Census, a long-term study conducted by the University of Michigan and the University of Chicago's General Social Survey.

His findings suggest that families unknowingly invest their energy, attention and resources in the child who they believe is most likely to succeed. Overall, Conley concludes that there is no one factor that predicts an individual's success in life; complex family dynamics determine our fate.

Regardless of the theories, there's no doubt in my mind that birth order matters when it comes to sibling rivalry. Very often the baby of the family gets special treatment, while older siblings are expected to cater to him.

Temperament
Kids come with preloaded personalities and temperamental styles. Despite being born into the same family, siblings may not look, feel or think alike. One of your daughters may love soccer, while the other adores opera. Regardless of whether they are well matched or complete opposites, we expect our children to become each other's playmates, collaborators, partners-in-crime and protectors. But each child's individual temperament will influence how well your kids get along. For instance, a child who is more prone to jealousy will look for supposed inequities in the family -- “Sam got a bigger piece of cake” -- while another child may celebrate differences -- “Wow. Can Sam really eat such a big piece?”

Age gap, gender and family size
Many experts believe that the age gap between children affects the degree of compatibility they'll experience. A two- to four-year gap is thought to trigger the worst spats, while a bigger or smaller one seems to lead to fewer conflicts. (In general, I am wary of these kinds of generalizations because every child and every family is different.) Other aspects of family makeup that may influence sibling relationships are gender and size; for example, research suggests sisters form stronger sibling relationships than brothers and a bigger family means more frequent fights.

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