Parenting secrets: Teach your kids to get along

How to encourage a healthy sibling relationship
I'm not going to pretend you can raise kids who never fight. That's unrealistic. However, good sibling relationships can be developed and nurtured. It's not just a matter of treating your children as equals or individuals -- although that's crucial -- but about teaching your kids how to love and respect themselves and each other. The following seven simple principles will help you create a family milieu in which caring sibling relationships evolve and grow.

1. Eat dinner together
Family dinners are not just about balanced meals -- they're also about balanced family lives. Family meals are meant to be a comforting and sharing ritual for all family members. It's a time for enjoying each other's company. Use this time to talk, share ideas, laugh and stay connected. One night a week is manageable and yet still infrequent enough to be enjoyable.

2. Stay connected
It stands to reason that we can't expect our kids to develop strong connections if we don't enjoy loving relationships with our sibs. Show your children how to be a good sister by being one yourself. If circumstances make this difficult -- for instance, if you're an only child or you're estranged from your sibs -- make an effort to stay connected with other family members.

3. Teach conflict resolution
Siblings love to play and hang out with each other, but they are not born with the skills to constructively deal with conflicts. These skills need to be taught and practised. It doesn't matter whether you're 18 months or 18 years old, knowing how to peacefully resolve conflicts is a crucial tool for making and keeping friends, both inside and outside the family.

4. Do no harm
Nothing hurts sibling relationships more than festering jealousies, grudges and envy (“Your sister has such beautiful hair. Why don't you brush yours more often?”). As you can imagine, there are many ways we unintentionally trigger dark feelings between our children. But negative dynamics can be minimized when parents commit to handling problems in a manner that does no harm. This means learning to handle problems, divide time and attention and end conflicts in a manner that inspires equanimity.

You don't need to read a book on this subject, but you do need to make a conscious effort to be more reflective and less reactive. One strategy I find helpful when I'm dealing with problems between my kids is to pretend someone is watching me. Obviously, we're less likely to do or say things we later regret when we're being observed.

5. Pay attention to family dynamics
We tend to think of sibling conflicts as a problem that exists in isolation from other family dynamics; however, recent research suggests otherwise. According to a study out of Pennsylvania State University, sibling relationships mirror parent-child relationships. In other words, if there is conflict between a parent and a child there will likely be problems between siblings; conversely, more peaceful parent-child relationships promote more harmonious sibling relationships. In essence, this means that ironing out problems with your child will mean better relationships between siblings.

6. Foster early friendships
Children who experience a successful early friendship before the birth of a sibling are more likely to have a better relationship with a brother or sister, according to a study from the University of Illinois published in the Journal of Family Psychology. This is most likely true because successful friendships build positive emotional and social skills.

7. Our siblings, ourselves
The other day it occurred to me that I hadn't told my 19-year-old daughter how proud I am of her in the longest time, so I called her and said: “I love you. I'm so proud of you.” She was suspicious that something was wrong.

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