Promoting self-esteem in children of divorced parents

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When my stepdaughter visits, she follows her father everywhere. Is this normal?

Q: I'm the stepmother of two girls and mother of one child. When my stepdaughters are visiting, whether it be for the weekend or a couple of hours, one daughter becomes her father's shadow. She's now 9 years old. No matter what he does, she has to be right there. If he just gets up to go to the bathroom she has to know where he's going. If he's just going to the corner store she's got to be in the front seat. Is this behaviour alright? It's getting to the point where I'm dreading their visits.

A: Children of divorced parents have a special burden placed on them. They have experienced their parents "firing" each other, two people who at one time pledged their love for each other and pledged to spend the rest of their lives together. Now this pledge, the vow they made to each other, is broken.

How can a child be sure that this same fate will not befall her? So from this perspective, your stepdaughter's behaviour is quite understandable because she may be fearful that she might be fired as well.

However the behaviour is irritating to you and likely to the father as well, and out of proportion from your point of view. It could also be seen as abnormal.

A first and important step is to show understanding, and encourage the child to believe that she will be loved no matter what and will never be 'fired'. Show respect for her fears and have faith that she will overcome them. "This too will pass."

Smart solutions
For you to be more effective in your role, your focus must shift from 'What to do' to what attitude you transmit to your children. The appropriate behaviour will follow.

The 3 cornerstones of a positive attitude
There are three fundamental elements -- love, respect and faith -- that are the cornerstones of a positive attitude. Each contributes to your child's self-esteem.

1. Unconditional love: I am loved and loveable
Child's belief: I am loved and accepted as is. My parent's love is never in question and is not connected to my good deeds or performance.

Many parents exhibit conditional love unknowingly when their children are not behaving well. This creates hurt and discourages closeness and harmony.

Do the unexpected
Children expect us to love them at certain times, such as when they are behaving well, going off to school or off to sleep. When they least expect us to love them is when they are behaving badly or when they have done nothing to earn our love. These are ideal times to get across the attitude of unconditional love.

For example, when you have a potential conflict with your child you can kindly say, "I love you too much to fight!" "This isn't working for me," or "I think we need a cooling down time." Then remove yourself and deal with the conflict when you are both calm. This is very powerful. It models both responsible behaviour and your commitment to the relationship.

The 3 Greeting Times (Jane Nelson, from Positive Discipline)
Connect closely with your child at these three times of the day: first thing in the morning, when you reconnect after school and at bedtime.

In the morning, go to them, let them know how glad you are to see them and show them some affection. This disarms many kids, because they did nothing to earn it! My first born was a bit prickly in the morning, so I would quietly enter her room before she was fully awake and would rub her back and tell her how much I loved her. Warmly greet them after school and express your love at bedtime (regardless of any meltdown that may have occurred during the evening).

In an atmosphere of unconditional love, a strong sense of belonging and security can develop and the child will learn to contribute to meet the needs of the situation. Creating and sharing is its own reward.