3. Faith: I am capable and competent
Child's belief: I can handle what comes my way. That doesn't mean I will handle it perfectly but I will handle it! I am capable and competent.
Embrace the positive attitude of faith toward your children, faith that they can handle the outcome of their choices, whether these are successful or not. Mistakes are no longer seen as a diminishment of the child's worth but as an opportunity to learn. This frees children from the fear of failure, making it comfortable for them to try something new knowing they may not get it right!
3. Faith: I am capable and competent
Child's belief: I can handle what comes my way. That doesn't mean I will handle it perfectly but I will handle it! I am capable and competent.
Embrace the positive attitude of faith toward your children, faith that they can handle the outcome of their choices, whether these are successful or not. Mistakes are no longer seen as a diminishment of the child's worth but as an opportunity to learn. This frees children from the fear of failure, making it comfortable for them to try something new knowing they may not get it right!
Stop interference and overprotection: The opposite of faith is fear and fear gets in the way of our ability to step back and give our children the room to struggle with their own situations. So sprinkle confidence and faith around them! Model dual faith by having faith in yourself, too. You can handle watching them struggle: "This too will pass."
Don't do for others what they can do for themselves. (Dr. Dreikurs from Children: The Challenge) For the young child, provide limited choices: "Do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt?" "Get started and if you need help you know where you can find me."
For the older child, let her handle as many decisions as possible. Let her struggle and make mistakes (as long as it isn't a life-threatening situation) -- they will learn that they can handle it!
Give them a job, a way to contribute. When children are given the opportunity to contribute to the family they get the message that they are needed. Start with small jobs and take the time to train. Show them and then do it together to ensure they have the confidence and skill.
Conclusion
Your role in your stepdaughter's life is a vital one. Your visits will shift from dread to pleasure once you are able to see her behaviour in a different light and value your influence over her 'mistaken ideas' about parental love. Best wishes.
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is a certified parent educator and founder of the Parenting Network. She teaches parent education classes, distant-learning classes and provides private parent-coaching. Since 1989, she has helped thousands of families enjoy more harmony and closeness in their relationships.
www.parentingnetwork.ca/index.html
Comment reported
Thank you for reporting this comment as inappropriate.
Back to Comments »