Tame temper tantrums

The good news -- and the bad news -- is that every child will have a tantrum now and then. Some children will have many. Tantrums are a common part of children's emotional development, particularly when they are toddlers, and no parent can prevent them.

Children have tantrums for three reasons:
• they are unable to cope with their feelings, which can include hunger, sickness, confusion, helplessness, frustration, anger and even terror;
• they feel left out, ignored or lonely
• they have learned that tantrums get them what they want.

What can you do when your child has a tantrum? Above all, don't give in to the demand. Although it can be tempting when you're dealing with a kicking, screaming child in a public place, giving in only once or twice teaches your child that tantrums get him what he wants. Here are some other hints to get through these trying times.
• Stay calm and patient. Try to set a good example by not losing your own temper.
• Take your child to a safe, calm place to cry it out.
• Stay close by, but leave the talking for later.
• Once she will allow it, soothe your child by gently holding her and reassuring her.
• Help your child talk about what happened, how he felt and why he was angry.
• Don't be embarrassed if other adults are around when your child has a tantrum. They have all been in your shoes, and, chances are, they're silently wishing you well.

It might be helpful to remember that children are born with very limited capacities to comfort themselves. During the first five years, they need adults to gradually teach them how to handle their emotions and how to seek help when they need it.

Some children will have only one or two modest tantrums in their early years and need almost no coaching on how to handle their anger and fatigue. At the other end of the spectrum are children who take a long time and require endless patience as you help them learn how to moderate their extreme reactions. If you find that tantrums are happening more and more, or that your child is really having trouble settling down, you may want to discuss the situation with your family physician or pediatrician.

Tantrum-Proofing Hints
Although you can't avoid all tantrums, you can take steps to cut down the chances of one occurring.
• Make sure that your child doesn't get too tired or hungry. If you're going out, plan ahead and take along a snack or a favourite toy.
• If you're going somewhere that may prove boring, bring enough activities to keep your child occupied.
• Tell your child ahead of time what to expect. If you know that you're not going to buy treats for him at the grocery store, tell him on the way there -- and stick to it.
• If you see that your child is getting restless, encourage her to talk about what she is feeling. Is she tired, hungry or feeling confined? Talking about her feelings can help her handle them.

To find out more, call 1-877-2GETSET or log on to www.getsetforlife.ca.< And tune in to Get Set For Life on CBC, Monday to Friday, 8:00 a.m. to noon, and Saturday, 6:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m.

Dr. Chaya Kulkarni, an early childhood education specialist, is Director of Programs and Training at Invest in Kids.

Dr. Lynn Oldershaw, a developmental psychologist, is Research Director at Invest in Kids.