Teaching empathy and tolerance

You can see it in the school yard, in the way children play and talk to each other. Some children, it's clear, are more concerned for others. They're more sensitive to the feelings of their friends, more concerned about those who are left out, more worried, even, by upsetting news stories they see on TV.

Some children are born more empathetic. They can imagine what others must be feeling in a given situation and respond to them. Children who are empathetic tend to be more cooperative and develop stronger friendships. Research shows that a child who is helpful to others -- what social scientists like to call being pro social -- is a child who will not likely display delinquent behaviour as he grows older.

Parents can also help their children develop this important quality, although you can't teach empathy the way you can teach arithmetic. But you can teach it through encouragement and by modelling empathetic behaviour yourself. As often as you can, give your child the message that there's almost always something good about other people. Help her understand how the way she acts and what she says may hurt other people or make them feel better. Look for opportunities to "catch' her being helpful and sympathetic and praise her for it. When you see your daughter spontaneously help her friend with a problem, make a point of telling her how good it must have made her friend feel. But save the mush until after the friend has left to avoid embarrassing your child. Point out how kids in your neighbourhood treat each other to reinforce your message. When another child refuses to share with his friends, talk to your own child about how that kind of behaviour affects others.

Modelling empathy
Even your child's own difficulties with another child can become an opportunity, but one you should treat carefully. When your daughter complains to you about a friend who is being bossy toward her, be sympathetic and offer your support. But when she's feeling better, suggest she think about why the other girl might behave the way she does. Is she having problems at home? Is she trying to make a place for herself in a new school? Is her bossiness a way of hiding her insecurity? just be careful not to neglect your own child's needs. Make sure you listen and respond to her complaints first before you discuss the other child's possible problems.

Finally, let your children know that they don't have to like everyone. Not everyone can be a friend. But it's not acceptable to be mean to those you don't like, and it's never right to join others who taunt unpopular kids.

Talking to your child about empathy is only half the picture; you also need to model empathetic behaviour yourself. The way parents act has a more powerful effect on their children than the things parents say. When your children come to you with their concerns, treat their problems seriously and let them know you care. Treat them the way you want them to treat their friends or their siblings. Let them hear you showing empathy to the other adults in your life. When you're complaining about a boss or criticizing a sister-in-law, they'll be listening for you to say something nice, too. And if you can't, then maybe you shouldn't be saying anything at all.