Teen sexuality

Excerpted from Canadian Living family editor Christine Langlois' book, Understanding Your Teen (Ballantine Books, 1999)

The stats are clear. More than 80 per cent of North Americans have their first sexual intercourse as teenagers. It's a major step into adulthood and one that a teen should feel comfortable discussing with his parents. But few do feel comfortable. Many kids even say they're reluctant because their parents are too serious about sex or take too long to answer their questions. They also complain that parents don't talk about the associated feelings. Most parents do talk about all the frightening negatives - the dangers of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, and the pain of being abandoned by someone you thought loved you.

For many parents, adolescent sexuality is a highly charged emotional issue. Despite the statistics, most parents have difficulty acknowledging the emerging sexuality that accompanies their teen's increasing independence of thought and action. As parents, you can't control your teen's behaviour and you can't preserve her from all the risks inherent in taking on more adult roles. Most parents know that the majority of teenagers move from kissing to more intimate sexual behaviours, then to intercourse. But if you don't talk about sexual behaviours, your teen may interpret the lack of acknowledgment as disinterest in her feelings and even disapproval of all sexual activity. That won't stop her from exploring her own sexuality, but she may explore under a blanket of guilt, fear, and misinformation. Rather than risk losing your respect by asking you questions about topics that make you uncomfortable, she risks disease and pregnancy.

It's true that the stakes are high. Your teen might become entangled in an emotional relationship that he is too immature to handle. Your son could make his girlfriend pregnant. Either son or daughter might contract an STD, which could cause illness or infertility, or they could become infected with HIV (human immunodeficiency virus), which most often leads to AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome).

When parents do discuss sexuality and responsible sexual behaviour with their teens and answer questions or direct them to appropriate resources, the young people eventually gain enough self-confidence and information to behave responsibly in sexual situations. Teens certainly need the facts about the potential pleasures and pains of sexual relationships. But they also need the opportunity to talk with adults about what's most on their minds: How do you know at what point in a relationship the time is right? How do you tell your boyfriend No when the time isn't right? How do you become a good lover and have sex that's mutually pleasurable?

Sue McGarvie, an Ottawa sexual health educator, believes that parents don't talk to their kids about sex with enthusiasm because they're afraid their kids will want to have sex. "But what's wrong with that?" she asks. "After all, why do people have sex? Because it feels great." McGarvie suggests that parents should remember to include positives about sex along with the negatives. At her talks with parents and kids, McGarvie raises the topic of orgasms, although parents are often shocked. "But if your kids are going to be having sex, you want them to be having orgasms," she says. This kinde of discussion helps kids learn about positive sexuality as part of a real, loving relationship.

Some aspects of sexual relationships needn't always be treated as serious topics. After all, much of what our culture considers humorous has sexual connotations. Help your teen relax about the topic and view sex as a natural part of life, at the same time learning how to keep private intimacies private.

Parental silence about sexual behaviour may provide a fertile ground for a teen's curiosity: She might respond to older teens or adults who prey on the uninformed; or the silence may breed anxiety that interferes with her ability to eventually enjoy a sexual relationship. Teenagers who are unaccustomed to discussing their sexuality may also deny to themselves that they want to have sex and, as a result, won't take precautions against either STDs or pregnancy.

The majority of sexually active teens use contraception on an ongoing basis, but about 20 per cent use no contraception; 19 per cent of the girls who do use the pill don't also use condoms for protection against STDS. Often the boy expects the girl to take sole responsibility for protection, but she may not be fully informed about the various methods. Information and openness are key: There's evidence that teens whose parents teach them or encourage them to learn the facts and myths about sexuality and discuss sexual health openly are more likely to delay involvement in sexual intercourse until they're older. They're also more likely to decide to use some method of protection against sexually transmitted diseases and a method of birth control if they do decide to engage in sexual intercourse.

Even if your own beliefs and values lead you to disapprove of birth control or of sexual intercourse before marriage, even if you prefer that your teen wait until she's older and is involved in a loving relationship, discuss the facts and implications of sexual intercourse because your teen may, as an independent thinker, choose to take her relationship that far. Make sure she has information not only to prevent an unwanted pregnancy but also to avoid contracting STDS that might prevent a future wanted pregnancy.

When and how?
Meg Hickling, a registered nurse and sexual health educator in Vancouver, believes that parents don't talk to teens about sexuality nearly as often as they could or should. Most kids don't want to talk about it when there's intense, eye-to-eye contact with their parents, and they don't want to answer direct questions about their own behaviour. But they would like to have more general discussions with their parents. Hickling suggests that parents use situations in which their kids are a captive audience. Long car rides often give parents and teens the chance to do their best talking. Teens will also talk more openly with parents when everyone's busy together, making dinner, tidying the kitchen, cleaning out the garage. Approach the subject from a sidelong direction. Develop a conversation from an item you watched on the news together. Certainly there are ample references to sexuality and sexual behaviours on television and in movies to serve as lead-ins to frank and open conversations between parents and teens.

Answering your teen's questions
"When am I ready?" Your son isn't likely to look up from his breakfast cereal and ask you this question, but you can bet it's on his mind. As his parent, your role is to be a wise influence and provide information; when to become sexually active is your teen's choice. If you would like to influence his decision, here are some topics you might think about so that you can offer your own version at an appropriate time.

• Sexual intercourse should be part of a loving relationship, and each partner should feel both sensitive to and protective of the other. Some people believe you're ready to have sex if you're comfortable telling your partner what feels good to you. Others feel you're ready to have sex when you can go to the drugstore and buy condoms with your own money, or when you can make an appointment with your doctor to get backup birth control.

• If teens put off having sexual intercourse until they feel confident about discussing these topics, it may ultimately make their first experience better. But they may feel they're abnormal or may fear rejection by others if sexual intercourse isn't part of their relationship. Both males and females might use variations of the line "You'd do it, if you loved me" on each other. Give your teen a possible response: "If you loved me, you wouldn't pressure me." Or suggest helpful relationship books that reveal favourite "lines" and responses that can deflect unwanted attention with humour or with compassion.

• Remind your teen that she is in charge of her own body and can set limits on sexual behaviour. If your daughter doesn't know how to raise the topic with her partner, suggest some openers: "I really like the kissing, but I don't want to go any further." She might also add, "if I have to worry about stopping you from going further, it keeps me from the fun of kissing you."

• Let your teen know that he can enjoy sexual feelings and give and receive sexual pleasure without having intercourse. And he needs to know that abstinence from sexual intercourse is the most effective method of preventing both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

• Teach your teen that when one partner says No, the other partner must stop whatever sexual activity he's doing; teach her not to put herself in vulnerable situations, in any place, with any per son or group that makes her uncomfortable or uneasy; teach him not to make himself vulnerable by using alcohol or other drugs that decrease his inhibitions or cause him to act irresponsibly.