The out-of-control child

Temper tantrums, kicking, hitting, bullying, yelling, spitting, throwing things -- it's frustrating, annoying, infuriating, and upsetting when your child acts out. If he does it in front of other people, it's embarrassing, too. When your child's behaviour seems a strain for you, you will also fret about what an innocent bystander thinks.

All children act out occasionally, as do adults. That's part of being human. But when the difficult behaviour becomes the rule rather than the exception, your child and your family have a real problem and you need to take action and find appropriate solutions.

Identify the real problem
The difficult behaviour is almost always a symptom of an underlying problem -- it doesn't happen in a vacuum. You need to identify what's going on in the life of your child and your family and understand how it is contributing to the child's behaviour. There are, of course, a great many possibilities. Your child may be experiencing a stressful situation at school or having problems with peers. If you, his parents, are having marital problems, substance abuse problems, or problems at work, you may not have enough time to pay close attention to your kids.

A child who acts out may be uttering a cry for help or for attention. Usually, he doesn't feel very good about himself and lacks self-esteem. Ask yourself if his behaviour is restricted to home or if he behaves the same way in every situation. It's not surprising for a young boy to act out if his father spends most of his time working and has no time or energy for his son. But if the father responds to this wake-up call and sets a time to do activities with his son, remarkable changes in the child's behaviour and personality can occur.

Once the problem is identified, parents should take steps to improve their relationship with their child, to build his self-confidence enough to alter his behaviour. There are no instant miracles, but the right moves can make a big difference over time. Children need some family structure and effective discipline. Parents need to set out their expectations about behaviour and apply consistently the consequences they've established for misbehaviour. Discipline is a difficult issue for new parents who may have felt oppressed by their own strict, authoritarian parents with rigid rules. Faced with difficult behaviour from a demanding child, they may go to the opposite extreme, becoming so permissive that their children believe anything goes. Unfortunately, when parents fail to set clear, meaningful limits, the logical consequence of their behaviour is a child who develops no self-control or self-discipline.