The out-of-control child

Learning self-discipline
One of the most essential skills parents can help a child develop is self-discipline. That inner sense of discipline will guide your child long after your influence wanes. It will give him the drive, the dependability, and the sense of responsibility that increase his chances of finding satisfying work and enjoying his life.

The goal of all discipline is to instill self-discipline, not to punish. When we use discipline and a child behaves a certain way to avoid that discipline, he's not really controlling his own behaviour. When no one is watching or if he no longer fears the discipline when he's a teenager, he may no longer feel the need to control his behaviour.

Instilling self-discipline also differs from talking about self-discipline. Many parents talk to their kids or warn them repeatedly about their behaviour and talk about the consequences, but they end up putting away the coat or picking up the toys themselves, often grumbling that they won't be so nice about it next time. Their kids learn that they don't have to take personal responsibility because, sooner or later, Mom or Dad will step in and do it for them.

The importance of consequences
Most experts believe that children have to see the relationship between what they choose to do and the consequences of that choice before they learn self-discipline. That means giving children choices, even though their choices may turn out to make them unhappy. By the age of six or seven, your child is old enough to live with the consequences of his choices.

Suppose your son left his baseball glove on the ground in the back yard again. He has done it often before, and your reminders have had no effect. It's obvious to you that it's going to rain and the glove will be ruined or at least very soggy. It's your son's responsibility to bring in the glove; it's your responsibility to point out the impending bad weather. However, he must make the decision to act. Give him a simple, clear reminder: "It looks as if it's going to rain. Your baseball glove could be ruined outside in the rain." He can either take responsibility and get the glove, or he can choose to ignore it. If he hasn't picked up the glove when the rain comes, don't rescue it. Although your son will have a ruined glove, he will also have learned an important lesson: He has to look after his own belongings if he wants to be able to enjoy them. He may have to save money for many weeks to buy a new glove. But there's a clear link between the choice he made and the consequences of that choice.

You might want to modify this approach for more expensive items -- for example, a new bike -- by not letting your daughter's bike be stolen after she left it unlocked in the driveway. You can instead create a logical consequence: "You have a choice. The rule around here is that you have to have your bike locked up properly by 8:00 p.m. or I'll put it away for you, but if I have to put it away, you won't be able to use it for the rest of the week." Again, your child has a choice, one you've explained ahead of time. If she chooses not to look after the bike, she has to deal with the consequence of that choice.