The out-of-control child

Set fair consequences
The key to making this work is to be clear in your own mind that you're not punishing your children; you're allowing them to face the consequences of their actions. Explain what you're doing ahead of time and make it clear why you're doing it. If it's a logical consequence, it must be a fair one. Never offer a choice you can't live with yourself. There's no need for anger, and you can even be sympathetic. After all, you really don't want to see your son's favourite glove ruined or have your daughter unable to go biking with her friends. In both cases, they made bad choices. Odds are they'll make better ones next time.

Don't be too ambitious in your efforts to instill self-discipline. Concentrate on one or two chronic problems at a time until you see some improvement. Don't demand perfection. If a child shows responsibility by putting away nine toys, don't dwell on the one toy that was left out. Be sure to praise your children when they make responsible choices or show self-discipline. Tell them how pleased it makes you feel. Attention and recognition from their parents can be powerful motivators for all children.

Be prepared to be flexible. Many children don't have the attention span at the age of six to remember everything you ask them to do every time. just be sure that, when you let him know he has a choice, you follow through with the consequence. By the time they've reached the age of 10 or 11, most kids should be able to look after their own things with just a few reminders.

Offer rewards
Logical consequences for small infractions can even have an element of fun. Do you have a problem getting your kids to hang up their coats? When everyone is in a good mood, tell them that they create clutter and a cleaning problem for you when they just drop their coats on the furniture or the floor. Then tell them the new rule: Anyone who finds the coat of another family member -- even an adult -- off its hanger can fine that person five cents. Children suddenly become keenly aware of the coat problem, because they stand a chance of making a little money and look forward to the delicious possibility of catching their parents off-guard.

There are other kinds of reward systems that can result in positive consequences. For younger children, use a chart on which you record the points or the stars they earn for doing regular chores like making their beds. Let them accumulate stars for a special reward, such as an extra story at bedtime. Again you lay out the rules, but the children experience the positive consequences of developing enough self-discipline to follow them. Just be careful not to offer a reward for every positive behaviour or you will end up bribing your children with money and treats rather than instilling self-discipline. Used judiciously, a simple reward system can motivate your kids.