The out-of-control child

Let children make decisions
Sometimes it's possible to offer choices even in matters like homework that can't be negotiated, For example, you have a house rule that the homework must be done every school day, but you could offer the children a choice about whether they do their homework before or after dinner. Choosing the time gives the kids one small measure of control over what they're doing, which increases their motivation to actually do it.

Sometimes self-discipline means learning to make wise decisions such as in handling money. Don't be afraid to let kids make mistakes. Suppose your eleven-year-old has saved money to buy a new T-shirt. You may voice your concern that his choice is one he won't be happy with for long. You can even suggest he think about it again. But allow him to make the mistake, and if he's upset later with his choice, be sympathetic. The unwanted T-shirt is a relatively small price to pay in return for his learning how to make better choices.

Finally, be a role model for your children. Think about your own choices and, when it's appropriate, explain your reasons for behaving the way you do. The more you allow your children to make their own choices and deal with increased responsibility, the more power you give them, and they internalize and accept the lessons learned from their own choices. Although you set guidelines and rules, your children experience the positive consequences of developing enough self-discipline to follow them.

Taking on chores
All children should have age-appropriate chores that involve them in the daily care and feeding of the family. But often, busy parents find it easier to do chores themselves than to take the time to show a child how to do it or wait for a child to complete it. Your child may not set the table or make his bed to your standards. Resist the urge to let him off the hook or to do the chore yourself. He needs to learn how to do the jobs and to feel capable of contributing his fair share.

When deciding which chores would be appropriate for your children, think about what they like to do. A six-year-old who is just learning to read may be happy to help clean and sort the pantry by reading labels and expiry dates. A 12-year-old who is particular about his wardrobe may be ready to help with the laundry.

Make chores fun
Most kids resist chores, so don't be deterred by the grumbling. Some kids do better with daily chores and get into the routine of clearing the table every night or walking the dog after school. Many kids work better when you work along with them and when you make the time together fun. On a Saturday morning, put on some good "working" music that everyone likes and attack the housework. Set a time limit appropriate to your child's age.

Offering a choice of chores can motivate your child. Would she rather clean the mirrors or dust the furniture? With younger children, you may want to try a positive reinforcement system -- stickers for jobs completed, for example. For older children you may want to offer a financial incentive for "extra" jobs that you might otherwise hire someone to do for you. However, don't pay for daily housework that everyone should be responsible for. Your kids need to know that clean dishes are their own reward.

Parents often find that incentives shine brightly for a while and then lose their lustre. Be ready with the next incentive or another creative approach. Often a simple compliment about a job well done will be incentive enough.

Excerpted from Raising Great Kids: Ages 6 to 12 by Christine Langlois. Copyright 1999 by Telemedia Communications Inc. Excerpted, with permission by Ballantine Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.