Understanding and overcoming child sexual abuse

What would you do if your child arrived home in tears and told you that someone had touched her inappropriately or worse yet, had him perform a sexual act? Would you know what to do? Would you know what to say?

As parents, we take every precaution to ensure the safety of our children: we teach them to look both ways before crossing the street, we talk to them about germs and remind them to wash their hands, we warn them against talking to strangers. But when it comes to sexual abuse, we often think it could never happen to our child, or that it couldn't possibly be going on in our community -- because if it were, we would know, wouldn't we? We often get tongue-tied, or don't know where to start.

Unfortunately, abuse is occurring quietly in many communities and in many different settings. And even more alarming when it comes to sexual abuse, the most common perpetrator is someone the child knows and trusts. An important step in combating abuse is empowering your children with the knowledge to recognize the signs of abuse, as well as how to get help for themselves or a friend, and how and when to report abuse.

The thought of speaking to a child about sexual abuse leaves many parents feeling uneasy or nervous, but you are not alone. Thousands of parents and caregivers across Canada feel the same way. Even professionals who work directly with young people may feel inadequately prepared to talk about the issue, let alone recognize the signs of abuse or handle a heart-wrenching disclosure.

What should you say to your child about sexual abuse? How should you start the conversation? What questions should you ask? And what might your child ask you? For children and youth, talking about sexual abuse may be strange, uncomfortable, and anxiety- provoking. Some children may giggle or try to change the subject, but acknowledging that this is a normal reaction to an unfamiliar, yet important topic, and that you understand the way it makes them feel to discuss it, may help you both.

One way to open the discussion is to say, “You know, we need to talk about something really important. It might make you feel embarrassed or shy, and that's okay, but we need to talk about sexual abuse so that you will know what it is, where to get help, and how to help a friend. Unfortunately, there are many kids who are being sexually abused, and most often they feel so alone, as if there is no one to help them. That is why it is important that kids like you know you are not alone and that there is help available.”

It's important to explain exactly what sexual abuse is to your child. Sexual abuse is when an adult, adolescent or older child uses a younger child for his or her own sexual stimulation or gratification. It can involve everything from showing them pornography, making sexual comments, touching them in sexual areas or forcing them to touch another's sexual areas. There is a range of contact and non-contact ways that sexual abuse may occur.

Remember that many children and youth are persuaded to partake in sexual abuse; this does not mean that they are responsible for it. Sexual offenders are skilled at making their victims feel responsible. Many groom the children for a long period of time, developing a close, trusting relationship in order to manipulate the child more skilfully. Children and youth are the innocent victims and are never at fault for sexual abuse.