What to do if your don't like your child's friends

1. Never judge a book by its cover. Keep an open mind about your kid's friends. "They may have piercings and tattoos, but that doesn't mean they're bad kids. Likewise, the kids who are fresh-faced and well-spoken may be up to trouble," says Ann Douglas, a parenting expert and author who lives in Peterborough, Ont. So avoid dwelling on external things such as clothing, hairstyles and taste in music. Experts agree that while friends often exert a lot of influence on how your kid dresses or talks, his or her core values are much more strongly shaped by what goes on at home.

2. Don't attack your child's friends. Nothing will start an argument faster than suggesting that your child's friends are not good enough, says psychologist Scott Wooding in his book Rage, Rebellion and Rudeness: Parenting Teenagers in the New Millennium (Fitzhenry and Whiteside, 2005). "They really need their friends at this stage in their lives, and criticizing the friends is seen by teens as being the same as criticizing them," he says.

3. Don't forbid the friendship. "If you try to tell your child who not to be friends with, you can bet you have just picked your child's new best friend, even if that friendship happens entirely behind your back," says Douglas. Tweens and teens have a tendency to dig in their heels when they're given an ultimatum, either out of loyalty to the friend or resentment at being told what to do.

Many parents feel they need to manage their children's choice of friends out of a sense that they're losing control, but that's not doing your kids any favours in the long run, says Karyn Gordon, author of Dr. Karyn's Guide to the Teen Years (Collins, 2008). "You want your children to be able to make decisions on their own."

When Sally Duke's* 10-year-old daughter started getting into trouble at school under the influence of a new friend, her mother didn't try to end the relationship. "I realize my daughter is going to come into contact with people like this at every age and stage of her life," says the Toronto mom of three. "And she has to acquire coping skills, as opposed to me saying, ‘You can't play with her anymore.'"

When her daughter broke the rules, she was grounded, and Sally spent time talking with her about the friendship. "I'd say, 'You're a smart girl and I don't understand how this friendship works. I don't think this is how friends are supposed to be.'" Gordon applauds Duke's approach. "Not only does it raise self-esteem and develop critical thinking skills," she says, "it also helps kids deal with peer pressure. Any child who is used to making decisions for herself will not be as easily led by others."

4. Put out the welcome mat. Make sure your house is kid-friendly, advises Douglas. When friends drop by to pick up your teen, spend a few minutes getting to know them. And if you have the time to coach your child's soccer team or help out at a school dance, do it.

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