What to do with tweens and teens this summer

For months my 14-year-old son, Griffin, has been telling me what his summer is going to look like: “For the first month I'm going to sleepover camp, then to Chris's cottage for a week, then to Nick's place for a week. Then I'm going to hockey-ref school for a week; then my team has hockey practices for a week.” He never fails to deliver this itinerary with a broad smile. I, on the other hand, frown. “But when do I get to see you?”

The idea that he might want to include members of his immediate family in his plans never seems to cross his mind. “Uh, yeah, Mom. Well, you could drive me to Chris's cottage. Yeah, that'd be cool.”

Right. As one parent I interviewed put it, “I'm no longer the main attraction; I'm merely the facilitator.”

During the school year, kids tend to have every waking moment spoken for, so you can hardly blame them for wanting a little downtime, or for not wanting to spend their gone-all-too-fast summer days with you. So how do you negotiate summer plans with your tween or teen? We asked the experts -- including other parents -- to weigh in on some of the most common dilemmas.

The situation: “I want to be with my friends.”
Jennifer Allford has a cottage on Sylvan Lake in central Alberta, a 90-minute drive from her home in Calgary. For years her children, Niall and Jean, have enjoyed spending time there. But now Niall is turning 15 and, as Jennifer puts it, “If he has to choose between time with friends and time with family, he'll go for friends every single time.”

Expert advice: If your announcement that the family is going to the cottage for the week is met with dramatic eye rolling and frequent use of the word lame, don't despair. “First, you have
to decide if this trip is negotiable,” says Joe Rich, a Toronto-based social worker and author of Parenting: The Long Journey (Wiley and Sons Canada, 2007). “If not, then your son is going.”
If a friend or relative can look after him while in the city, then that's another option to think about.

Second, you need to consider whether you're being reasonable about the family activities in which you want your kids to participate. It's unrealistic, for example, to expect a teenager to get excited about going to a secluded location for days on end where the most excitement he's likely to have is playing gin rummy with his grandparents. “The best thing you can do is plan with your kids, not for them,” says Rich.

One parent's solution: Jennifer solved Niall's reluctance to leave behind friends. It was a no-brainer: invite his pals up to the lake, too. “It only helps to know my kids' friends,” she says, “and to really enjoy the kids my own kids hang out with.”

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