When bullying crosses the line

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Picture this: Your eight-year-old son, just home from another day of higher learning, bursts through the door and makes a break for his room. As he sprints up the stairs, you spy a torn shirt and black eye, but when you try to find out what happened he clams up. "This is exactly the type of behaviour you'd expect from a child being bullied," says Constable Scott Mills of Toronto's 14th Division, a Secondary School Watch Officer for nine downtown schools and over 7,000 students. "It can be hard for a kid to deal with, period, so oftentimes the last thing they want to do is talk about it."

Open the lines of communication
But experts say talking makes the biggest difference -- it's just getting started that can be tricky. School psychologist Izzy Kalman advises opening the lines of communication any way you can. Begin with open-ended questions such as "How are kids treating you in school?" or "How is the walk/ride to and from school?" You may not get a response (honest or otherwise) during the first few tries, but don't give up. Keep this in mind -- some kids don't like to talk to their parents about their personal lives, so rather than pushing a child who doesn't feel comfortable spilling the beans, consider involving a teacher, police officer or youth worker they trust. "Trust is extremely important because kids will only open up when they don't feel threatened," says Mills.

Just be choosy about who gets involved, advises Kalman, who believes that adult intervention can sometimes do more harm than good. "We all want to protect our children, but in going after a bully, we become bullies ourselves. And so the cycle continues."

Face the problem head on
So what can we do to stop it? While specific approaches vary, most experts agree that the solution is facing the problem head on. For Kalman, changing the victim's outlook on the situation is key. "A kid may get upset because he's getting picked on, but getting angry just compounds the problem. The more upset he gets, the more bullying continues." The sooner it stops affecting him, he says, the sooner the harassment stops, because the bully's power has been taken away. (Check out Kalman's website at www.bullies2buddies.com for more information on his approach.)

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