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Q: I have a 16-year-old daughter who wants to date and I am totally against it. I don't want her to date until she has completed high school. (It also goes against our family's culture.) My daughter always puts up a fight over this issue. I'm afraid she might be dating behind my back so I have basically grounded her so that she can't date. Do you think what I've done is fair? If not, what can I do?
A: I'm glad you are seeking answers to your dilemma -- it shows your willingness to be open minded! As parents, it's important that we strive to be fair and flexible with our teens. Being a mom of two teenage daughters myself I can empathize with your concerns.
Your daughter's desire to date is in the range of normal behaviour for a 16-year-old in the society in which she is living. Socially, her need to belong and be accepted by her peers is vital. If she doesn't feel she fits in, it can be very detrimental to both her self-esteem and her social and emotional development.
Our children experience key changes, both physical and emotional, in these years. By restricting your daughter's ability to socialize with her peers, you restrict her ability to discover who she is and develop independence and important relationship skills.
As well, if you continue to use rigid and controlling approaches you run the risk of losing any influence at all in her life. And of equal importance, you will likely destroy your relationship with her.
Smart Solutions:
Open up the Discussion
Your daughter is growing up in a democracy. She will believe it is her right to have a 'voice and a say' in her life. Anything less will feel disrespectful to her. It is time to sit down and explore solutions to this problem together. Remember you may be giving up control (and that can be very scary) but you will gain influence in her life and hopefully her respect.
Follow these 5 steps when problem-solving:
1. Calm time
Present the issue at a calm time and in a respectful (non-blameful) way: "Your social life seems to be very important to you now. I would like to see if we can find a solution that will be satisfactory to both of us."
2. Teen's point of view
Start off by listening to your daughter's position first. (It's important for her to believe you're understanding and caring of her point of view -- whether you agree with it or not!) Give her a chance to elaborate on the injustice of it all and listen without comment (small sounds like "Mmm" or phrases like "I see" can be a help!). Then summarize what you've heard her say. "You feel I am being too controlling and overprotective. And you think I don't trust you. Is that correct? Anything else?" (Always good to give them another shot at voicing their opinion now that the wheels are in motion!)
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