3. Parent's point of view
Now it's time to share your point of view. It's probably best to keep this brief since she's likely heard all of your complaints before. Get to the heart of how you feel (in 10 words or less): "I love you too much to fight like this. Can we look at some possible solutions together?"
4. Brainstorm
Time to brainstorm. At this stage, all ideas are accepted. It's a good idea to jot them down. Also, you want to keep the process positive -- this isn't the time to evaluate or knock ideas.
5. Solutions
Time to sort through and hopefully agree on a solution that's mutually satisfactory. Write down the decision and agree on a test period -- perhaps for a week or two. Follow-through is a key to the success of these sorts of agreements. After the trial period, sit down again and evaluate how it is working. If it's working, congratulate yourselves; if it isn't, go back to the drawing board.
Embrace Mistakes
Independence and good judgement come from life experience and often, unfortunately, from many mistakes (or bad judgment). If you can embrace the attitude that mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow, you will be much more supportive of your daughter. Of course, we also want them to take responsibility for their mistakes!
State Your Values
Your daughter is living in a number of different societies: her family; peer group; school; and possibly a place of worship. Each of these groups has different rules and values. Like most teenagers she will experiment with these values throughout her teen years, and like most teenagers will likely come back to what is most familiar. So have some faith in the roots you have given her and continue to model (not force) your family values.
Get Outside Help
All parents of teens have moments of doubt and fear for their child's future. You don't need to carry this burden alone. Join a parenting class; read a parenting book (see suggestions below); talk with other parents; go to a counsellor with your daughter. Seek the knowledge, skills and courage to be a positive leader in your daughter's life.
Recommended reading:
1. Positive Discipline For Teenagers, by Jane Nelson
2. Teen Brain, Teen Mind by Dr. Ron Clavier
3. Grounded for Life?! by Louise Felton Tracy
Beverley Cathcart-Ross is a certified parent educator, a private counsellor, a mother of four teenagers and founder of The Parenting Network.
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