A dying loved one: The teenage perspective

When a family member is ill or dies

When a close family member is ill, it can upset a teen's fragile sense of control over his life. Illness, especially terminal illness, is neither foreseeable nor avoidable, and it changes the balance at home when parents channel their energies into taking care of the sick person. This may be the first time your teen has had to think about the difficulties imposed by a family member's long illness or about the imminent death of someone he loves. He may express his concerns by becoming depressed or angry; he may become angry with the sick person or with you, or frustrated that a situation over which he has no control is interfering with his life. Try to accept your teen's negative emotions without criticism. If you respect his feelings, he'll learn to respect your hurt and grief. Your teen may also find ways to be helpful and want to be part of the family coming together during a crisis.

Early teens are very needy and require much reassurance from you. Middle teens are more likely to confide in their friends or just seek their support by hanging around with the gang. Older teens may know intellectually that the family needs their help and support, but they may be unable to take on a more adult role. Be careful not to load them with responsibilities that prevent them from being with friends or having time alone just to be adolescents. But perhaps they can prepare dinner some nights or take care of younger children in an arrangement that you work out together. You may have to let the housework go or hire some help during this period. When friends and family offer casseroles or to mow the lawn, take up those offers.

Teens really need to know what's going on when a family member is ill. It's important that you be honest with them, even if the truth is painful. If you don't tell them the illness is terminal, they may feel betrayed when Grandpa dies, as if you didn't trust them with important information that could have helped them prepare themselves. Keep communicating throughout a long illness. As you watch your brother go through the rigours of chemotherapy, you can tell your teen of his progress each day: "Uncle Hal has lost his hair, but he's able to eat now." Some teens are fascinated by illness and begin surfing the Internet for whatever details they can find. This is not a morbid interest; they are genuinely trying to help. Talk about the loved one with them, explaining how difficult it is for you and for everyone touched by the illness: "I find it hard to watch him get sicker every day. He's lost all colour in his face."

Visiting an ill person

When your teen plans to visit the sick person, prepare him. Warn him that Grandma may not know him, and suggest to him what he might talk about and how to behave: "You might tell her about the hockey game you were in last week and hold her hand if you like. You only have to stay half an hour, then you can wait for me in the hospital cafeteria." If a parent or sibling is dying, you may find that your teen avoids visiting. Gently encourage her without pushing. If she cannot face it, suggest she make a card or write a letter to keep connected with the sick relative. When the end is near, let her know clearly: "You should see Joanna now, because the doctors think she might not live through the night."

Making decisions

An older teen can participate in a family conference to decide whether Mom will come home to die. Work out a role for him that he can sustain throughout her illness, perhaps reading to her every day. Create some important rituals and memories. Perhaps you want to celebrate Hanukkah early because your father won't live until the holiday. If your teen is particularly close to the person who's dying and is having a difficult time, you may want to seek outside support for him. His peers may not know a lot about the stresses of caring for a loved one with a terminal illness. A school or religious counsellor may be able to say the right thing to him. If you know he'll hate missing class for a counselling session, suggest that they meet at lunch or before school so that he doesn't have to miss class.