How to help a troubled teen

Parenting through a teen crisis

The best way to reconnect with a teen who no longer accepts your authority is simply to listen, "What's up?" is a good opener. Fight the urge to interrupt and criticize. It's not unusual for parents to become verbally abusive when a child rejects their authority. If you hear yourself making cruel accusations ("You're so lazy that you'll never get a job") or hurtful criticisms ("No wonder you and Jack aren't friends anymore, the way you're acting these days"), pull back and get a grip on your emotions. You need to set a good example of handling stress. Your role is to act as a solid anchor in the storm. Besides, criticism doesn't motivate any teen to make positive changes. She'll just defend herself and reject you, and she may eventually refuse to talk to you at all.

Listen. Your daughter wants you to know why she loves going to park parties, not only why she started drinking excessively. From you, your daughter needs to hear -- repeatedly -- that you value, accept, and appreciate her. She also needs to know where you stand on the crisis. If you think drinking underage is wrong, state your point of view again, but in a calm voice. If you are concerned about her safety and her health, let her know. Explain how worried you are.

Indifference is an even greater rejection than criticism or verbal abuse. It's important not to act as if you just don't care, to imply that you've given up on her. You may have thought you'd be finished parenting by the time your kids reached their teen years, and that you wouldn't have to be at home as much anymore. But teenagers still require your time and attention. In fact, your teen may be rebelling just to get your attention.

A teen still needs your help with problem solving, and she needs practice recovering from failure. When she gets caught up in a stressful event, take positive action, don't just react. Your teen will watch you carefully as you respond to the situation. You are still the most powerful role model for your teen, although you may think she emulates her favourite pop star or other teens. While watching you deal with stress, she learns how to solve problems. When she stumbled into this crisis, you may have tightened up on rules and become dictatorial, grounding her for weeks at a time. But try to put the crisis in perspective, and after she has dealt with the consequences of the crisis, move on. We all need a second chance, if not a third, fourth, fifth, or more.

Keeping the family strong

In the midst of any crisis, your family needs the security of its regular routines. Whenever possible, continue with plans for family celebrations, rituals, and vacations. Also, maintain your expectations of your teen's behaviour so that she knows her life and your relationship with one another do not begin and end with the current crisis. Don't define your teen only by her problematic behaviour.

Show your teen that you still value that she's part of the family by asking for her input in family decisions. She may have just been caught shoplifting, but she can still have good ideas about what Grandma would like for her birthday or where to go on a family holiday. It will strengthen your daughter's role in the family to have you act on some of her ideas.

Family meetings may not have worked when the children were young, but they may work now if your family is trying to pull closer together. When kids have a strong sense of family, they're less likely to go from one crisis to the next. Teens still need to find part of their identity in family; with close family ties, they're unlikely to seek part of their identity with a gang.