How to help a troubled teen

The parental relationship

Don't let your son's or daughter's problem absorb all your energy and put too much strain on your relationship with your spouse. More than ever before, you need one another's encouragement and support. Any tension that exists in a marriage can further escalate if you and your partner disagree about the seriousness of the problem facing you and your teen and about how to resolve the situation. In the family life cycle, a marriage may be at its weakest point when the kids are in their teens. Statistics show that divorce is high for partners who have teens.

When dealing with your teen's crisis, take a big step back occasionally. Take time to relax and refuel your marriage; the break will not only benefit you and your spouse but also your teen. This may be the time to do a movie marathon -- to rent your old favourites or the latest movies you missed. Or call a halt to discussions about your troubled teen and go out together. It may mean you have dinner in silence, but you still have each other. You may choose to spell each other off the way you did when your children were younger so that each of you gets a break from the tensions at home and spends time with friends or pursuing a hobby. If you're a single parent, make sure to spend time on your own or with friends. If you can be open with your friends and family both about the nature of the problem and how it's affecting you, they may he able to help.

Getting a break

It's possible you don't feel that it's safe to leave your teen at home alone or in charge of his siblings. You may fear that he'll badger them, do drugs, or have irresponsible friends over and trash your home. Your daughter may be so depressed that you even fear that she will commit suicide. But it's essential, whether as a couple or a single parent, for you to take an occasional break from the tensions so that you can continue to cope. It's important for your teen as well. When her life is in chaos, she needs the reassurance that you have your feet firmly on the ground.

Be creative about getting the help you need so you can leave your home a break. If you're in a parent support group, perhaps you can call on another parent to swap evenings out. You won't have to keep up any pretence with another parent who also has a troubled teen. It's best to drop the pretence with your family and friends, too. If you can trust a few people enough to he honest about the depth and dimensions of the problem, you'll likely find someone -- a grandparent, neighbour, or long-time friend -- who may be more understanding than you had imagined.

To avoid your teen's rebelling at the idea of being baby-sat, have your friend come over under a pretext -- maybe to help younger children with their French homework, or to fix the computer, or to wallpaper the bathroom. Not only will you get the evening off that you desperately need, but your teen will learn that she, too, can turn to people outside the family for help. The knowledge can release her from the feeling that her behaviour is a shameful family secret.

All parents need to know that few adolescents have problems that persist into the future. Adolescence is not a terminal disease; a teen's difficulties usually do subside by voting age. When you're in the middle of a painful situation, it may be hard to view it as an opportunity for growth, but crises are a time for you to take stock and then move on. Traumatic situations are too painful for families not to seek solutions, to try to develop new communication and coping skills, so that members will grow together from the experience.

Handling violence

If your teen is taller and stronger than you and he becomes physically violent when angry, you must seek help from outside the family. If you or other family members are the target of your teen's physical violence, ask a friend or counsellor for assistance in maintaining order and reinforcing zero tolerance for violence.

If you leave a teen's violent outbursts unchecked, you appear to be condoning the behaviour. Your teen must learn that you won't tolerate violence and that physical violence is punishable under the law. If his comments and actions escalate into physical violence, call the police. Usually in a city, the dispatcher will send officers from the youth bureau of the domestic violence department. If you foresee the possibility that when you head for the phone to summon help your teen might pull the phone right off the wall, take the precaution of talking with a neighbour about your fears and ask if you might come use their phone in such a situation.