Making room for teens: The evolving family

My kids don't like me anymore

The job of a teen is to push off into her own life. By the age of fifteen, your teen may tell you that you don't understand her. After all you've done for her, your daughter has the nerve to unabashedly adore her ballet teacher, who can do no wrong, rather than you. You, she says, are hopelessly old-fashioned. Your son tells you that he can't wait until he's eighteen so that he can get his own apartment.

Throughout their adolescence, your teens gradually expose a part of yourself that you may not like. At age forty, you may find out how immature you are. You become jealous of the ballet teacher, and you can't believe how you let your daughter's comments about your stodginess really get to you. The messy bathroom that your child leaves behind can send you into a tantrum.

Your child used to cuddle beside you on the couch, look up at you with adoring eves, and tell you all about her day. Now her bedroom door is closed -- tight. Every parent of a teenager has stared at that closed door and wished for X-ray vision. What's she doing in there? She's probably listening to music, or exploring her new body, or writing about her feelings in a diary. Or maybe she's off in a fantasy.

By the time your child reaches her late teens, she's again more willing to spend time with you, as her peer friendships lessen in intensity. She finally feels secure enough in her identity and self-worth to return to a more connected family relationship. Once again, she'll sit with you and talk about her day. She may not put you on a pedestal anymore, but that doesn't matter. She likes you just the way you are.

Help wanted

Sure, you've taught your son how to brush his teeth, do long division, and make lasagna. Now he needs you to help him learn how to drive, apply for a job, choose an apprenticeship program, and separate the whites from the colours when he does the laundry. He can also use a little help managing money, time, and stress. Of course, he might not ask for your help, but offer it anyway. Don't wait until things go wrong to step forward -- not that you should take over his job or fill out his college application for him. And if you insist that he do it the way you did, you can count on his stomping off. In the second decade of parenthood, your cue is to be involved without intruding. You'll know when you've overstepped that elusive line because he'll ask you to butt out of his life.

As your teen masters the final tasks that lead to adulthood, families should mark these milestones. In a society with few rites of passage, you may need to invent your own rituals. Celebrate your daughter's getting a driver's licence by letting her drive the family out for ice cream. Have a corn roast to mark your son's finally getting his braces off. Being accepted into that apprenticeship program is definitely worth a celebratory dinner.