Teen dating: tips for parents

Can it even be called dating? Your daughter is "going out" with seven or so other kids. But she has confided to you that now she's "going out" with Michael. He's one of the seven. No invitation to something special. No shy boy on your doorstep arriving to pick her up. No chance to ask him what school he goes to and who his parents are. Instead, Alishe comes to pick up your daughter because she wants to use your curling iron. Then, together, they "go out" to meet the rest of the group, including Michael.

In the last decade, the trend has been for teens to go out in groups, especially adolescents age thirteen to fifteen. One benefit is that it's more inclusive. If a teen is quiet or awkward, he might otherwise be excluded from one-on-one dating during adolescence. There's also a safety benefit to going out to movies, doughnut shops, and parks surrounded by a cushion of friends. But how do parents get to know their teen's significant other? And how can you possibly set and maintain limits when you're dealing with a group of seven or so kids?

Be supportive
Don't hesitate to contact other parents of the kids in the group. All it takes is for two parents to agree that 11:30 p.m. is an appropriate curfew to send the whole group home before midnight. Your teen will probably tell you not to dare talk to her friends' parents, but make your intentions clear. "One of my jobs as a parent is to ensure that you're safe," you can explain. Assure her that you're not prying. You just want to know what the parents of other kids consider a reasonable curfew.

Go ahead and ask about your daughter's boyfriend, too, maintaining an attitude of respect and interest. If you play a supportive rather than a controlling role, your teen may keep you informed. Suggest that your daughter invite Michael (and a few other friends if it's more comfortable) for a family barbecue. You'll get to know him and, just as important, Michael will get to know your family and the behaviours you value.

Don't be surprised if your daughter's boyfriend is older than she is. In adolescent couples, the boy tends to be older than the girl, typically by three years. Girls can approach puberty two or three years before boys do and finish puberty long before boys, so they are more advanced in their desire for relationships than their same age male peers. But if your daughter is in grade nine and she has caught the eye of a boy about to graduate, you may become panicked and want to put a halt to it. Statistics show that young teens are more likely to be sexually active if they are involved with older partners. Try to express your concerns in an uncritical way to increase your child's awareness of potential difficulties rather than to criticize the boyfriend. Start by expressing your concerns: "I feel a little concerned ... " or "It seems to me ... " or "I wonder if..." Another way of comfortably discussing the relationship with your child is to use the third person, as in "I knew a girl who..." or the first person, as in "I once had a boyfriend who..."

Breaking up
When a relationship breaks up, your teen may feel devastated, especially if it's the first time his or her heart has been broken. Don't trivialize your teen's pain -- it may be overwhelming. Brace yourself as your child works through all the stages of grief. There may be tears, but you may have to listen to them through a closed door. She may prefer to lock herself in her room than to talk through her tangled web of feelings with her parents.

Your son or daughter may go over and over what happened and feel shaky about starting a new relationship. The former partner may quickly get involved with someone new. Don't make observations on the now defunct relationship. Your role is to be available and supportive to your child, make his favourite dinner or make time to spend with him. He needs to know that he's still lovable.