Teenage milestones

Managing personal time
The teen years are usually high-energy years when kids take on many new activities. They make plans with friends, sign up for the school's charity drive, join intramural volleyball, take three baby-sitting jobs in one week — and then feel completely overwhelmed. They need to learn that they can't do everything at the same time, that they have to make choices, and that their choices have consequences. A teenager has to juggle a lot to find time for school, for peers, for boyfriends and girlfriends, for family and household chores, for part-time work and sports, and for relaxation and private time to discover who he or she is. The demands and pressures can be exhilarating and exciting, overwhelming and confusing. There may be too much happening or too little. How do they make their balancing act work?

As a parent, you still influence how your early teen spends her time. But she'll do everything in her power to resist that influence, just as she resists your influence in other areas of her life. Your time priorities will differ from those of your child. But the passage from parental decision making to parental influence occurs during adolescence, and it may not be a smooth progression for either you or your teen. A fourteen-year-old may seem remarkably organized and independent one day, then regress to confusion and tantrums the next. Usually, an eighteen-year-old is more mature and knows her strengths and weaknesses, so you may both be comfortable about her relative independence.

For every two steps forward, you'll take one step backward as your teen strives to reach independence. The goal is for her to learn how to handle situations in her own way. If you dictate or she demands, you both lose. When you work out a compromise together, that's a win-win for both of you. Negotiate rather than impose.

As she learns how to balance her time, sometimes she'll make mistakes. Tie your expectations to her performance in school subjects. If she makes decent grades even though she handles ten phone calls every night, then don't suggest she spend less time on the phone. But if her social life takes over her evenings to the point that her school assignments aren't completed, then negotiate a "no phone zone" every evening, a time for her to concentrate on schoolwork uninterrupted.

Negotiating limits
As a parent, you can help your teens learn how to manage their time, their swirling emotions, and their increased responsibilities if you stay on a relatively even keel. Sometimes you'll find it hard to watch as your son takes on too much, propelled by furious bursts of hormones and energy. But you can best help by allowing him to try and to learn eventually to recognize for himself how much he can handle. If you become dictatorial about how your teen spends her time, she may never learn her own limits. In fact, she might expend most of her energy finding ways of resisting your suggestions or restrictions. Expect some conflict as she tests the limits, and try to focus on key issues: your teen needs enough sleep; she needs to handle her schoolwork; she needs to contribute to household chores; but she also needs time to hang out with friends.

On the surface, her time with friends may seem to you like time wasted. Many parents cannot understand how two teens can spend several hours together, then separate to their respective homes only to get on the phone to each other immediately. But your teen's desire to spend time with peers is natural, valid, and crucial for her growth and development. You should respect that social priority and support it, while encouraging her to meet her responsibilities and pursue other aspects of her development, whether academic, athletic, or artistic. You might, for example, negotiate a curfew that allows lots of time with friends on weekends but keeps weekday evenings for schoolwork and other activities.

If parents set no limits, a teen may have trouble learning how to manage his time and his priorities, feeling lost without parental direction and reminders of his goals. A fifteen-year-old isn't ready for complete freedom of choice. As he demonstrates more maturity through your gradual loosening of limits, he earns the freedom to make more decisions for himself.