Teenage milestones

School and homework
Help your teens learn to set priorities and allocate their time by working out a homework arrangement at the start of the school year. Get their input on how best to do it — what's expected of them on school nights and on weekends. They need time to complete homework assignments but also for after-school activities, for sports, for friends, and for other entertaining pursuits.

Revisit the plan after each term's report card. If you find that his grades aren't meeting reasonable standards, then discuss how he can give enough time to academic studies. Keep the house rules the same; for example, home after school by 4:30 p.m., except on band practice night; a "no phone zone" on weeknights; an 11:30 p.m. curfew on weekend nights. But if you find that he's doing well in his schoolwork, you might give him more freedom. Perhaps you allow phone calls between 8:00 and 9:00 p.m. or you don't insist on his being home every school night. You let him choose how to use his time, trusting that he'll balance out his various activities appropriately.

By the time your daughter is eighteen or nineteen, she will probably make all the decisions about her time. Your role is to negotiate the free flow of information. As long as you're living under the same roof, you're entitled to know where each other is and when each of you can be expected home. This is most effective if approached as a courtesy and a safety precaution among adults.

Family time
It's a painful issue for some parents that their teens no longer want to spend time with them or with the extended family. You may feel slighted when you plan a family event and find that your teen has made a commitment to spend the day with friends. You can't force your teen to spend time with the family; making him feel obligated results in an unpleasant time for everybody. Instead, watch for opportunities to do something else together that he enjoys.

Younger teens may act uncomfortable just appearing in public with their parents, so going to the movies together may be out. But driving your teen and her friends to the swimming pool and picking them up later may be just fine. It may not feel like quality time to you but, in fact, you are spending time with your daughter and her friends and you have an opportunity to see how they interact.

Try to find topics that keep your son's interest long enough to have a conversation with you. This usually means showing an interest in his activities and listening while he tells you about them, without prying or being judgmental. Sometimes you need to find a new common ground. If your seventeen-year-old daughter is willing to be seen in public with you (and most older teens are), start checking out movies together again. You may have to compromise on the choices, but as long as you pay for them and avoid prime weekend nights, she'll be happy to go.

Plan your family vacation time so that it incorporates your common interests. If your teen wants to try rock climbing and you enjoy hiking, find a location where you can take part in both activities. Family vacations are an excellent time to reconnect with your teen, provided he's been involved in planning where you're going and what you'll be doing. Respect your teen's need to spend a lot of time with his peers, but also invite him to spend some personal time doing fun things with you.