The teenage cultural landscape

Visit our forums to chat with other Canadian Living readers!

Relationship dynamics
Whether teens are more likely to belong to mixed-gender groups than they were in the past isn't clear. Some professionals who work with teens say that it is more common, perhaps due to changing attitudes. However, teenage boys still spend most of their time with other boys, and teenage girls spend most of their time with other girls, except in dating situations. Changing times don't seem to have altered friendships between members of the same sex. Many girls are more likely to talk about their feelings to other girls. Boys are less likely to talk about how they feel, preferring to show their friendship during activities together.

The negative side of teen friendships hasn't changed much, either. Teenage girls tend to be what sociologists call "relationally aggressive." If they're angry with others, they're more likely to hurt them by spreading rumours, verbally assaulting them, or persuading others to ignore them. Teenage boys are more likely to cut off or withdraw from a relationship or be physically aggressive.

Concerns with your teen's friends
Parents often have worries about the friends their teens admire or acquire. They may worry that a particular companion exerts a bad influence on their teen, especially if the friend is involved in drugs or criminal activities. If you're worried about such a situation, first ask yourself how your concern developed. Are you concerned for your own child's safety? Or is the friend someone you simply don't like? If it is a case of not liking the other teen, try not to interfere. Allow your teen to choose her own friends, even if they aren't people you want to spend time with. However, if you have concerns that the friend may he influencing your child to try illegal or dangerous behaviour, then you must act. Talk to a school counsellor or other parents to get their opinion of the same teen -- is she or he a serious problem to others? Does he or she encourage other teens to try harmful behaviour? Have other parents noticed or sensed trouble?

When you talk with your daughter, avoid attacking the friend directly; she may feel obliged to defend her. She may also express her independence from you by spending even more time with a friend you disapprove of. Instead, say why you're worried about the friendship and where you fear it may lead. If your child has already internalized your family's values, she's unlikely to maintain a friendship with someone who opposes those values. Kids tend to seek out others with similar backgrounds and values as friends. While curiosity may draw her into spending time with antisocial kids, she won't have enough in common with them to sustain the friendship for long.

You can most effectively head off problems with friends by keeping an eye on what your teen is doing and knowing who her friends are. It sounds simple, but parental monitoring is the most effective way to keep teens out of trouble. Make it a house rule that your teen calls you if he's going to be home late or if he's heading off somewhere else with his friends. Make sure his friends feel welcome in your home, so you'll have a chance to know them.

For some teens, the problem with friends is that they have none. When your kids were younger, you may have helped by creating opportunities for them to meet other children. But that tactic doesn't work with teens. They're more likely to resent having their parents involved -- it might further damage their image in the eyes of other teens. Everyone needs to build friendships, but some teens enjoy spending time on their own, especially if they want to pursue personal interests and passions. Talk with your teen about her feelings; if she's genuinely happy with her solitude and doesn't think she has a problem, don't worry.

But it's important to know your child. Would she tell you there's no problem and hide her hurt feelings about a lack of friends or about the disloyalty of someone she considered a friend? If you can talk openly, be supportive and reassure her. Tell her that you understand how hurtful it is to be dropped by someone she considered her friend, but that there are other people she can get to know. Suggest activities in which she might meet other teens with similar interests, but let her decide if she wants to join. Don't be discouraged if your teen seems to reject your reassurances; it's more likely that your comments will bubble away in her mind and become a solace to her. Your influence is much stronger than it may appear from your teen's reactions to your suggestions.

Page 3 of 3