When parents separate and divorce

It's unlikely to be a surprise to your teen that her parents are heading for divorce. She will have noticed the tension between Dad and Mom long before you thought of separating. Unlike younger children, your teen needs to know about the impending divorce some weeks before a separation occurs. Although you don't want to put your marriage problems on stage, tell your teen when you seek marriage counselling or when you are seriously discussing a separation. These things will worry her, but at least the news of the divorce won't come as a bombshell. That doesn't make it easier for her to accept. Your marriage is your teen's model of male-female relations at the same time as she's exploring her own feelings about the opposite sex. Your divorce may shake, at least temporarily, her belief in the value of marrying at all.

In his early teen years, your son sees things in black and white and may look for someone to blame. Be careful about how you talk about one another because teens will jump to inappropriate conclusions. At fifteen or sixteen, your daughter may withdraw from you more quickly, spending more time with friends because she's not up to facing the stress at home. At nineteen, your son may have already established his own identity and be genuinely glad for you that you've reached a measure of peace, but your divorce may discourage his own entry into a permanent relationship. Expect some anger, sadness, withdrawal, and denial from all your children, no matter their age.

If you've been an active parent, allowing your daughter more freedom as she demonstrates responsibility, she'll have enough self-esteem to know that your divorce is not her fault. She'll learn to accommodate your separation and divorce as she accommodates all the many changes during her hectic teen years. Her security lies in a close relationship with each parent, not in the place she sleeps each night.

Working together
Adolescents in the midst of taking control of their own lives are learning to live with the decisions they make. When it comes time to talk about parental visiting arrangements, involve them in the decisions. Have a family conference in which you all talk about how things might change after the separation. Listen to all suggestions, even if they don't seem workable at first. Make it clear that separate households may have separate rules. Lay out for her the implications of living at Dad's house one week and Mom's the next: "During the week you're at Mom's, you will have to travel by bus for an hour to get to school. That means getting up at 7:00 a.m." Consider your teen's need to be by himself or to hang out with friends when you arrange parental visits. Maybe he can have dinner and watch a movie with Dad during the week so that he can go out with his friends on weekend nights. A schedule that reflects realistic expectations helps everyone in the family.

Don't let your teen avoid curfew by saying he's with the other parent. Teens need more structure, not less, in times of turmoil. Pay special attention that your teens continue regular attendance at school and talk with them about their schoolwork. Studies have shown that teens' interest and academic performance in classes sometimes drop drastically when their parents separate and divorce. Many schools offer counselling groups for the children of divorce.

When parents divorce, they must continue to be civil to one another. If you fight whenever you exchange custody, your teens' loyalties will be torn. They may also think your frustration or anger is their fault or, worse, that you consider them property to fight over. Don't send messages back and forth through your children, and don't complain about your ex when your children are with you. Even if one parent doesn't turn up for a visit, it's better for the teen to direct her anger at the offending parent than for you to complain about your ex's unreliable character. Conflicts that teens have with one parent should not be resolved with the other. Listen to your child's complaints, but don't take sides. Teach them to take their problems with Mom to Mom.

Telling your teens about a divorce
Tell your teenage children about the divorce in a quiet setting, preferably on a weekend when you're both around and no one has to rush off anywhere.

What to say:
• We came to this decision together.
• It was a hard decision for us. We have tried to make our marriage work and we've had many happy times.
• You can't change our minds about separating. It's not your fault or responsibility.
• We both still love you, and we want to spend as much time as possible with you after the separation. Ask what kind of visits might work best.
• You might be embarrassed about the divorce, but it's not shameful.
• Explain details of any new living arrangements, and involve your teen in making plans.